Why Making Friends in Church Is So Hard (but So Important) | Faith & Life | Our Daily Bread Singapore (2024)

With competing priorities for our time and attention, should we even expect to have friends where we worship?

This is Part 1 of a three-part series on Forging Friendships in the Faith.

Eliza Tan

With competing priorities for our time and attention, should we even expect to have friends where we worship?

This is Part 1 of a three-part series on Forging Friendships in the Faith.

Eliza Tan

You might have read an article that is making its rounds on social media. In “The Lonely Crowd: Churches Dying Due to Friendlessness”, Australian missiologist Mike Frost tells of how people are leaving churches because they have no friends there.

Why is this happening? He suggests some reasons: people in church don’t listen well, struggle to open themselves up to others, or are simply too busy.

If you can identify with these reasons, you’re not alone.

Not only have many Christians in Singapore shared the link—suggesting that the article has resonated with them—but their comments and posts reveal that many are also struggling to find friends in church:

“I told my husband it’s sad that even though we met our connect group weekly pre-Covid, I feel like I don’t know them well at all. It’s so easy to hide behind talk about our parenting, our children, our work, but not about our struggles and our joys.”

“The lack of authenticity is so real. Everyone is so busy trying to show their best selves while hiding their pain because they want to appear to be good Christians.”

“Finding friends is difficult when we have competing priorities. After service, we rush to family gatherings or other meetings. During care group time, we talk about the sermon message or assigned topic. There’s no time to share our personal lives.”

Why It’s Hard to Make Friends . . . Anywhere

Perhaps all these reactions shouldn’t be surprising, given what’s happening in today’s society. Sociologists have long noted that communities in high-income countries tend to be more individualistic and independent, with more people feeling lonely than before.

Not that we don’t think friendship is important. According to local surveys, Singaporeans list family and friends as their top two priorities. Yet, on average, we spend only 2.8 hours enjoying the company of family and friends each week, excluding mealtime.

What’s more alarming is that more than half of people in Singapore, at least according to a 2014 survey, say that they would consider sacrificing their friendship with a colleague for a promotion.

Why Making Friends in Church Is So Hard (but So Important) | Faith & Life | Our Daily Bread Singapore (1)

This is ironic, given how difficult it can get to make new friends as we grow older.

Human development studies suggest that we’re more likely to make friends until we’re in our early 20s. When we’re young, we tend to be more trusting of peers, and we may also spend more time with them in environments that incubate the essential ingredients for friendship—time and trust.

As we move on, however, life will have taught us to be more cautious about befriending people, with lessons coming from disappointments and betrayal from those we trust. After entering the workforce, we are likely to become even more guarded, and wonder if those seeking to get closer to us are doing so for ulterior motives.

Men and women also tend to make friends differently. Women are more likely to build their friendships through open conversation on heartfelt topics, whereas men tend to bond through activities, usually in groups. Men may also find it harder to make friends because of gender stereotypes: they might be hesitant to share about their personal problems for fear of appearing weak.

For both, however, engaging in deep conversations and activities might be a luxury these days. This is because of the many demands on our time, from our many commitments and responsibilities, and long hours at work.

Clearly, the difficulties that Frost identifies in making friends in church—not enough time, no active listening, no vulnerability—are the same reasons why we have difficulty making friends anywhere else.

If this is the case, is it worth the trouble trying to make friends at church? Why bother, if it seems near impossible?

Why We Need Spiritual Friendships

In life, we are bound to face setbacks, crossroads and victories. Won’t you want a friend on the same journey to encourage you when you falter, comfort when you are hurt, advise when you are perplexed, and rejoice with you when you overcome? Won’t you want a friend to support you in your struggles as a fellow follower of God, trying to deal with life’s challenges in a godly way?

Friendship is such a vital part of life that God saw fit to give us much advice on it in His Word. The books of Proverbs and Ecclesiastes, for example, talk about the traits of good friends (for more on these traits, look out for Part 2 of this series).

Having Christian friends is important, because they can help us grow (and stay faithful) in our walk with God (Proverbs 27:17). They can correct and even rebuke us when we stumble in our spiritual journey or become distracted (vv. 5–6). And if we fall because of sin, they can help restore us (Galatians 6:1–2).

The Bible features some notable friendships between key characters.

The friendship between David and Jonathan, for example, is well known. Despite the conflict between David and his father Saul, Jonathan loved David as himself (1 Samuel 20:17). Jonathan promised to be loyal to his friend—even though David, instead of Jonathan himself, was anointed to succeed his father.

And who can forget Job’s friends? Though somewhat flawed in their theology, they immediately went to Job to comfort him when they heard of his afflictions, sitting in silence for seven days and seven nights to mourn with him (Job 2:13).

Jesus himself set the highest bar for friendship when He spoke of what true friendship involved. It is not just companionship, but also self-sacrifice: “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13).

To have friends to be with us on the path of life is a blessing from God, the source of every good and perfect gift (James 1:17). If we yearn to have friends in church, let us ask our heavenly Father for them.

He loves to give good gifts to those who ask Him (Matthew 7:11).

Why Making Friends in Church Is So Hard (but So Important) | Faith & Life | Our Daily Bread Singapore (2)

Dear God, thank You for the gifts of friendship and companionship. Help me to find godly friends who can encourage me to love You more. Grant me discernment, that I may know whom I can connect with and be vulnerable with. And enable me to be that friend who comforts, counsels, and loves in a way that reflects Your Son Jesus. In His name. Amen.

CONTINUE READING (Part 2) >>
How to Be a Friend, According to the Bible

Although Eliza Tan eats to live rather than lives to eat, she still enjoys her food and wholeheartedly agrees with Ecclesiastes 3:13, "That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God."

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Why Making Friends in Church Is So Hard (but So Important) | Faith & Life | Our Daily Bread Singapore (2024)

FAQs

Why do I have a hard time making friends at church? ›

Why is this happening? He suggests some reasons: people in church don't listen well, struggle to open themselves up to others, or are simply too busy. If you can identify with these reasons, you're not alone.

What is the number one reason people don't go to church? ›

Among self-identified Christians, the predominant reason that non-churchgoers offer for not attending worship services is that they practice their faith in other ways. Upwards of four-in-ten (44%) say this is a very important reason for not going to church more often.

Why is it important to meet together as a church? ›

Worshiping together as a church is one of the most powerful things we can do as the Body of Christ. Worshiping rekindles and revives the spiritual fire within us. It is an experience of the heart that brings us closer to God and magnifies His name.

What does the Bible say about the importance of friendship? ›

The Purpose of Friendship

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.

What are the signs of an unhealthy church? ›

However, you don't just need the ability to understand your church is in trouble; you need to know how to fix it.
  • Unhealthy Prayer Culture. ...
  • Attendance Is Consistently Decreasing. ...
  • Baptisms Aren't Happening. ...
  • People Aren't Being Saved. ...
  • Tithes Are Decreasing. ...
  • Age of the Congregation. ...
  • Lack of Disciple Making.
Apr 13, 2022

What does the Bible say about struggling friendships? ›

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” Psalm 34:18, NIV. With God's wisdom and direction, you can mend a broken friendship by at least two ways. (In a third case, the wise choice may be ending the friendship while loving the former friend through prayer.)

What is it called when you believe in God but don t go to church? ›

A belief in God but not religion falls under the category of agnostic theism. The belief in God exists, but there may be a rejection of the institutional orthodoxy and orthopraxy of the religion.

Will I go to heaven if I don't attend church? ›

heaven and just because you do go doesn't make you. any more righteous or better than anybody else but. you should go because God says to go.

Which religion is declining the fastest? ›

According to the same study Christianity is expected to lose a net of 66 million adherents (40 million converts versus 106 million apostate) mostly to religiously unaffiliated category between 2010 and 2050, it is also expected that Christianity may have the largest net losses in terms of religious conversion.

What did Jesus say about gathering together? ›

This is found in the gospel of Matthew, Matthew 18: 20, for where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them. Also Matthew 28:20, teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.

Does the Bible say you should join a church? ›

God instructs Christians to submit to elders. Once again, one cannot meaningfully fulfill this duty apart from membership in a local church. Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account.

What did Jesus say about meeting together? ›

The biblical text which speaks of Jesus promising his presence with two or three gathered together is Matthew 18:20. "For where two or three are gathered together in my name, I am there among them" (NRSV).

What does the Bible say about toxic friends? ›

A glance at the book of Proverbs reminds us: “Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare” (Prov. 13:20 ).

Do Christians have to be friends with everyone? ›

As Christians, we're called to love everyone, but not called to be intimate with everyone. We should always be kind and compassionate to strangers, and we're even called to love our enemies. But, it's also okay to have a small birthday celebration with only a few close friends.

What does Jesus say about friendships? ›

John 15:12-13. "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends."

How do you overcome shyness in church? ›

Here are some tips for those who are shy:
  1. Remember that you are a special son or daughter of Heavenly Father.
  2. Pray for help.
  3. Remember to breathe.
  4. Smile.
  5. Leave your comfort zone.
  6. Take small steps.
  7. Practice.
  8. Think about and help others.

How do you build strong friendships in Christianity? ›

As followers of Christ, we can also focus on developing characteristics in our lives to build genuine biblical friendships with other believers.
  • Be AWARE. Be on the lookout; God orchestrates circ*mstances and chemistry. ...
  • Be INTENTIONAL. ...
  • Be HONEST. ...
  • Be AVAILABLE. ...
  • Be LOYAL. ...
  • Be VULNERABLE. ...
  • Be SPIRITUAL.
Jul 19, 2021

What does the Bible say about building friendships? ›

Proverbs teaches us about “a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Prov. 18:24). It commands us, “Do not forsake your friend” (27:10). It warns us about the fickleness of fair-weather friends: “Wealth brings many new friends, but a poor man is deserted by his friend” (19:4).

What to do when you feel uncomfortable in church? ›

“What can I do when I feel like I don't fit in at church?”
  1. Open Up. Look around to make friends. ...
  2. Focus on the Reason to Go to Church. ...
  3. Turn to Prayer. ...
  4. Serve Others. ...
  5. Make a Friend. ...
  6. Remember the Lord.

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