By Jessica Huhn for DateAha!
At DateAha!, we know that everyone hates finding out that their seemingly attractive online match lied about their age, relationship status, or other aspects of their identity. Unfortunately, we also know how extremely common lying on a dating site is. A Kaspersky survey of online daters from around the world found that over half of online daters lie. And Cornell University and the University of Wisconsin-Madison found that the US has an even higher percentage of online dating liars — as high as 80%.
But what do daters lie about most often? Why do they choose to lie? And how can you spot the liars (and discourage people from faking it online)? Read on to find out.
Age: Online daters love to shave a few (or more than a few) years off of their real age on their profiles. Usually, this is because they want to date younger people. Luckily, their profile pictures might offer some clues as to whether they’re lying. Unfortunately, though, they might also use fake pictures to go with their fake age.
Body/Figure: There are also the daters who add inches to their height (usually men) or subtract pounds from their weight (commonly women). The easiest way to tell if a dater is lying about their figure before you meet? Check their photos for clues. And don’t just pay attention to what daters show in their photos. More important, by far, is what they don’t show.
Does the dater avoid posting full-body shots? Are all their pictures from the same angle? They’re probably hiding something about their appearance. Daters who are honest and confident about their appearance will make sure to show their whole body.
Location: Daters will lie about their location for one of three main reasons:
- They want to attract you by making you think they live close to you.
- They want to hide their real location from family, friends, and neighbors, to conceal their online dating exploits.
- Their dating options are limited in the area they actually live in, so they want to widen their dating pool. (For example, they might live in a remote rural location).
To double-check if a dater’s location is legit, ask what they like to do near their home — where they like to eat, work out, or have a good time with their friends. If their answers don’t match the area (or if their story changes later), they’re faking it.
Availability: You think an online dating conversation has been going well, and that you’re compatible with your match, so you ask to meet up. They enthusiastically agree. Awesome! But then, the day before the date, your match lets you know that something came up at work, or that they got sick, or that they have to care for a family member. They’re polite about it, but they want to cancel the date.
You’ve almost certainly run into one of the most common dating site lies — the availability lie. Daters use this white lie to avoid commitment. And many use this fib before they ghost you completely, cutting off all communication with you forever.
Jeffrey Hanco*ck, professor and researcher at Stanford University, calls these white lies about availability “butler lies,” because of their politeness and strategic nature. He explains that online daters usually use “butler lies” as a way of attempting to preserve their reputation if they ever meet in person. But that doesn’t make these lies any more acceptable — especially because many daters keep using “butler lies” to avoid commitment.
Relationship Status: Here’s another telling stat: the demographic most likely to lie on dating sites is married men. Kaspersky’s survey found that a whopping 67% of them lie on dating sites. And most are faking their relationship status, to appear single (and hopefully prevent their spouses from finding out that they’re searching for a new relationship).
A dater who lies about their relationship often uses other lies to hide from their significant other. They’ll often conceal their location with a fake one, or post obscured photos (so you can’t tell where they’re from…or what they really look like).
If you get suspicious about whether someone’s in a relationship already, don’t be afraid to ask outright (or to ask other questions to determine if they’re lying about their location)! Relationship liars are desperate not to be called out, so they’ll probably either be honest, or respond in a way that makes you seem even more suspicious. Always watch out for changes in their story!
Job/Financial Status: In these tough economic times, daters realize that money talks. So, some online daters will let a lie about their financial status do the talking. They’ll list a more attractive job title than they actually have, or inflate their salary when asked. Ask them what they like about their job, or the projects they’re most proud of, and see if everything checks out.
Entire Identity: And of course, there are plenty of catfishers who develop completely fake identities to use on dating sites. At least you’ve got plenty of strategies at your disposal to find and weed out fake profiles!
Fun: Surprisingly, the most common reason daters lie, at least according to Kaspersky, is just for the fun of it. Over a third (35%) of the liars Kaspersky surveyed were lying for enjoyment. Clearly, daters think that concealing aspects of their identity, or even full-out pretending to be someone else, is a harmless game. Since they’ve never met their matches in person, they think they won’t have to take responsibility for their actions, and never think about the dignity of the people they’re lying to.
Worse, the more people lie, and dismiss lying as harmless, the more people think lying is “acceptable,” and the more widespread lying on online dating sites becomes.
Insecurity: Many daters turn to lies to make themselves appear more attractive. (According to Kaspersky, 16% of lying online daters lie to “look more interesting.”) Usually, this is because they aren’t confident in who they really are. Some think listing a fake age, height, weight, job, or figure will boost their chances of finding a match. Others think hiding aspects of themselves in photos will make themselves look better.
But if you’re thinking about using these lies yourself, remember that honesty really is the best policy. Using a full-body photo will boost your chances of finding a match, because daters will find your self-confidence way more attractive. In fact, you’ll get over 200% more messages with a full-body photo, according to Zoosk! And daters rate honesty as one of the most important qualities they look for in a date.
Most importantly, if you lie, your match will find out when you meet in person, and you’ll lose your chances at maintaining a relationship. You won’t be able to maintain the facade forever!
Concealment: Many daters want to hide their presence on a dating site from their spouses, families, friends, and neighbors. Usually, they’re either cheating themselves, or want to catch their partner in the act.
According to Kaspersky, 15% of dating liars don’t want their friends to find their profile, and 5% are hiding from their significant other. 3% are trying to prove that their significant other is cheating.
Manipulation/To Scam: Ugh — everyone hates those catfishers. Catfishers and scammers aren’t looking for a genuine relationship at all. Instead, they set up those completely fake identities because they want to manipulate you into giving them money, goods, or sex.
Fear/To Protect Themselves: Because scammers, and other daters who threaten people’s safety, are so common, some online daters conceal aspects of who they really are to protect themselves. 25% of people Kaspersky surveyed lied to protect themselves from those who would use their real information against them.
Cautious daters fear that dangerous actors will use authentic details posted on dating sites to steal their identity, stalk them, or scam them. And their fears are well confirmed.
Others will lie about their availability when their match threatens or otherwise behaves inappropriately towards them, to end a toxic relationship.
Perhaps more telling is that 34% of women surveyed by Kaspersky lied for their safety, compared to only 20% of men. Also, unmarried women are “most concerned about meeting people with bad intentions” online.
Remember: the reason why people, particularly women, must lie for safety is that bad actors are so widespread. Men are more likely to engage in inappropriate or dangerous behavior towards women on dating sites, because men believe they won’t have to take responsibility for their actions.
We need to hold scammers, and others who behave inappropriately, accountable, so that women feel safer about online dating, and about putting their truth forward.
DateAha! is here to build that culture of accountability, by enabling you to leave crowd-sourced comments on any online dating profile.
Did someone lie about their age? Their figure? Their job? Their relationship status? Worse, did they scam you or otherwise threaten your safety? Leave a comment with DateAha! and warn other daters. Together, we can build a safer, saner, and more civil online dating climate, where lying is neither acceptable nor a needed precaution.
Use DateAha! to enable free comments and messaging on any dating site.
