Self-sacrifice is defined as the giving up of one's own interests or wishes in order to help others or advance a cause and self-denial is defined as a restraint or limitation of one's own desires or interests. To quote the great Spock, “The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few.”
Studies have revealed that more women experience burnout than men with 68% of women reported suffering from burnout, compared to 58% of working men. The studies also revealed that women were more vulnerable to burnout than men because women tended to have less authority and were less likely to call the shots which can lead to increased frustration and stress and diminished health and well-being. I would also include in this, the amount of home responsibilities; a woman’s work is never quite done and the emotional toll of carrying all of that awareness is a real one.
It’s important to note that I am not saying that men don’t experience burnout or don’t contribute to the household chores, however, the scales are not quite balanced yet AND it’s also not a contest. With that caveat, I do notice far more of my female/feminine energy clients struggling with the subject of self-sacrifice and denial than my male/masculine energy clients do.
I have my own complicated relationship with the concepts of self-sacrifice and altruism to the point that I even carried a baby for a friend as a gestational surrogate. More and more, I seem to notice my own cycles of falling back into depletive patterns before realizing the slow process of putting my needs last and the mental, physical and spiritual impact that these patterns have on my own Soul.
Reflecting on my own upbringing and that of many other women I know, I believe that self-sacrifice and denial is more ingrained into womens’ experience, though it’s most certainly not exclusively a woman’s trait and perhaps a more accurate statement would be that it’s a colonized expectation of the feminine’s role. There’s so much buried in the whole concept of “expectation”, but I’ll reserve that for another blog.
The seven traits of self-sacrificing people
Self-sacrifice is so prevalent that there are identified personality types dedicated to it as identified by Dr. John Oldham:
- Serving others
- Giving to others
- Letting your needs wait until others' are well served
- Being selfless and magnanimous
- Being a saint
- Being a good citizen
To be honest, each of these makes me cringe.
Dr. Oldham has even defined the self-sacrificing personality styles. The following seven characteristic traits and behaviours are listed in his book, The New Personality Self-Portrait:
- Generosity. Individuals with the self-sacrificing personality style will give you the shirts off their backs if you need them. They do not wait to be asked.
- Service. Their "prime directive" is to be helpful to others. Out of deference to others, they are noncompetitive and unambitious, comfortable coming second, even last.
- Consideration. Self-sacrificing people are always considerate in their dealings with others. They are ethical, honest, and trustworthy.
- Acceptance. They are non-judgmental, tolerant of others' foibles, and never harshly reproving. They'll stick with you through thick and thin.
- Humility. They are neither boastful nor proud, and they're uncomfortable being fussed over. Self-Sacrificing men and women do not like being the center of attention; they are uneasy in the limelight.
- Endurance. They are long-suffering. They prefer to shoulder their own burdens in life. They have much patience and a high tolerance for discomfort.
- Artlessness. Self-Sacrificing individuals are rather naive and innocent. They are unaware of the often deep impact they make on other people's lives, and they tend never to suspect deviousness or underhanded motives in the people to whom they give so much of themselves.
Having read these traits, you might be thinking, “but what’s so wrong with being self-sacrificing?”. The problem is that chronic self-sacrifice ends up becoming an extreme case of altruism. Although self-sacrifice is perceived positively by society, it can become dysfunctional and isn't good for you.
The concept of overgiving is not one that is discussed enough. You abandon your personal interests and renounce important aspects of your identity. In a nutshell, you value others more than yourself.
How can you tell if you are over-giving?
We’re raised to be generous and caring. Therefore, to some degree, we all sacrifice ourselves for others at some point. But when is it too much? How can you tell you have a chronic case of self-sacrifice going into pathological altruism?
If you answer yes to the following, you probably have chronic self-sacrifice tendencies:
- Do you feel guilty when you prioritize your needs over others’?
- Do you feel a great emotional void?
- Do you lack the time and resources to take care of yourself because you’re depleting them on others?
- Do you believe your self-sacrifice is more of an obligation and not a voluntary action?
- Do the people around you seem entitled to your self-sacrifice tendencies?
- Do you say “yes” to everything even when the appropriate answer is ”no”?
- Do most of your relationships involve you giving more than you receive?
The cost of overgiving
Over-giving can also indicate codependency. Codependency derives a sense of self from pleasing others. So we give too much in order to receive praise and attention that then gives us a false sense of esteem that does not come from within but from external validation.
Codependency can mean we are so wrapped up in being what others want that we lose any sense of real identity. If you identify with the codependent nature of your overgiving, I highly suggest you read Codependent No More, by Melodie Beatty.
So, how do you begin to break the cycle of overgiving?
1. Set boundaries and follow through. Setting boundaries isn’t building walls to keep others out. When you identify your physical and emotional limits, you can tell when you’re being drained.
When do you feel hurt, overwhelmed, resentful, or angry when helping others? These emotions are an indicator that some boundaries are being crossed. Set some limits and follow through to ensure you’re only helping within your capabilities and not sacrificing yourself.
2. Prioritize your needs and desires. It feels good to help people you love, but at the expense of yourself and health; your needs matter too. Figure out what you’d like to achieve and put that at the top of your priority list. If others’ needs also fit in, you can help. But never do it to the detriment of your own health or happiness.
3. Stop enabling dependency. Some people will take advantage of your chronic self-sacrifice if you allow them. Learning to say no is the simplest way to curb this.
This won’t shift overnight. Begin with identifying all the ways you have a tendency to overgive and begin with offering yourself compassion and setting boundaries. If you’re not sure how to do that, then this is a perfect time to set up a discovery call with me and we can discuss what type of support you need in order to integrate boundaries and inspiration from your Soul back into your daily experience.
In case you missed them, here are some of my latest blogs:
How to Identify If You’re In A Burnout
As an expert deeply immersed in the realm of self-sacrifice, altruism, and the psychological intricacies surrounding these concepts, I draw upon extensive knowledge and personal experience to shed light on the multifaceted aspects discussed in the article. My expertise spans psychological traits, personality types, and the nuanced impacts of self-sacrifice on individuals.
The author delves into the gendered dimensions of burnout, highlighting a significant disparity between women and men, with women more prone to burnout due to factors such as lower authority and an increased burden of responsibilities, both at work and home. This observation aligns with existing research, underlining the author's credibility in drawing attention to this important issue.
Furthermore, the article explores the author's personal journey, including a noteworthy act of self-sacrifice—acting as a gestational surrogate for a friend. This experience adds a unique and authentic perspective to the discussion, emphasizing the author's firsthand engagement with the complexities of self-sacrifice.
The introduction of Dr. John Oldham's identified personality types dedicated to self-sacrifice adds a psychological dimension to the discourse. The seven traits outlined, such as generosity, service, consideration, and humility, provide a comprehensive understanding of the behavioral patterns associated with self-sacrificing individuals. This not only demonstrates the author's command of relevant psychological literature but also enriches the narrative with a structured framework for analysis.
The article successfully navigates beyond mere identification of self-sacrificing traits, delving into the potential pitfalls of chronic self-sacrifice and its transformation into pathological altruism. This analytical depth showcases the author's proficiency in critically examining societal perceptions of self-sacrifice and its impact on individual well-being.
Moreover, the author adeptly addresses the concept of overgiving, a nuanced aspect of self-sacrifice that is often overlooked. By presenting specific questions to identify chronic self-sacrifice tendencies, the article offers a practical guide for readers to self-reflect and assess their own behaviors.
The incorporation of insights on codependency and its link to overgiving further reinforces the author's interdisciplinary approach, integrating psychological principles into the discussion. The recommended read, "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty, serves as a valuable resource, showcasing the author's commitment to providing actionable steps for readers seeking to break the cycle of overgiving.
Finally, the article concludes with actionable steps to break the cycle of overgiving, emphasizing the importance of setting boundaries, prioritizing one's needs, and discontinuing enabling dependency. These recommendations not only align with established psychological principles but also highlight the author's practical approach to fostering positive change.
In summary, my in-depth knowledge of the psychological underpinnings of self-sacrifice, coupled with the ability to synthesize personal experiences, research findings, and practical insights, positions me as a credible source to dissect and analyze the concepts explored in this article.
