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3 min read · May 2, 2017
A weird and dangerously embraced social phenomenon has reared its head amongst teens and millennials the last few years. And it’s becoming all the more popular.
Ghosting: “ refers to ending a romantic relationship by cutting off all contact and ignoring the former partner’s attempts to reach out.” NYT.
Ghosting is a way of breaking up with someone, or ending a “no strings attached”, without having the decency to have a conversation with the person. Or, as Simon Sinek called it, “it’s lacking the skill to have a confrontational conversation”.
Why are we like that? We humans? We want the benefit of intimacy with a person; the benefit of cuddles and date nights, and someone to cure us from our loneliness, but we don’t want to be man or woman enough when we’ve had our fill. When the butterflies are gone, the stories are stale, and we are keen to move on.
Social media- with all its dating apps- has made ghosting justifiable. It made us believe we can swipe right when we want and ghost out when we want- no explanation needed. No second chance or “I like you, but”. Just coldly- sometimes skilfully slowly- stop showing interest until the person gets the message.
It’s what so many men in my childhood community, myself included, did when they found out their partners were pregnant. They just cut off all ties, and reduced “involvement” down to a monthly “child maintenance” fee. Growing up, when a friend’s dad had abandoned them, we used to joke that his dad went to buy bread and got lost on his way back.
Ghosting is exactly like that.
Ghosting leaves the other party with more questions than anything else. It confuses them, because you had given them the idea that you will be around for a while. You gave them the hope that they are wanted, and good enough, and someone with whom quality time could be spent.
And then you leave.
You move on.
You find someone new.
You have things going for you.
You are committed, because you have found the “right” person for you.
Meanwhile, the person you’ve ghosted cannot connect with someone new, because their days are spent trying to figure out what was wrong with them that you had to leave without a note. They are constantly checking the conversations between the two of you for clues of what they did or said, or didn’t do or say.
The silent treatment- without explanation- is a form of emotional cruelty because it leaves the person powerless to the situation because they are unable to find out any answers. It will always leave the person hanging.
Ghosting someone makes you a sh*tty person.
It makes you a coward- men and women.
It makes you someone who cannot take responsibility for their decisions.
It makes you an unreliable friend.
It shows you have no respect for another person’s feelings.
It say you are inconsiderate and don’t care much about the impact or consequences of your actions.
It’s easier than breaking up but it also shows you have no character when you choose easy over integrity.
I was ghosted once, and it SUCKED! It sucked to the point of harming myself trying to figure out why this person had lost interest in me all the sudden.
It’s insulting, to say the least.
It’s most important to remember when you’ve been ghosted, it says more about the other person than it does about you.
It says nothing about your worthiness, and more about their disrespect.
You are still enough and worthy of being pursued.
You still belong, and have value.
Being ghosted does not define you, because the label is theirs, not yours.
