Why Don’t Narcissists Answer Questions? | Mindset Therapy (2024)

Interacting with a narcissist can make you feel crazy. They claim to not remember you making plans, or tell you they didn’t say or do something you watched happen. One way in which narcissists contribute to the crazy-making is by not answering questions. Some of the questions you ask might be simple and unimportant, while others can be perceived as accusatory. Regardless of the actual question, the narcissist won’t answer your questions. You are further confused on what questions the narcissist will answer, and what they are hiding by refusing to answer even the simple ones.

So why don’t narcissists answer questions? The primary reason is control. When you ask a question, you are in control in that moment because you have dictated what the conversation will be about. This throws off the narcissist. As a result, they become defensive and deflect to get control back. They respond in a way that is most convenient for them in that moment. This must happen quickly though, so they revert to what they know best which is projection and deflection. The refusal to answer questions can be for any question at all. Ask them what they ate for breakfast, and they can somehow turn it back onto you and what you did wrong. Ask them if they are cheating on you and they can similarly make it about you and not them. Their goal in that moment is to put the control back into their hands and not yours.

As the non-narcissist, you likely don’t understand how a question asking about breakfast choices can make them feel out of control. To understand, you must remember the narcissist has an unstable sense of self they must always protect against. Their go-to response is to do anything to protect against narcissistic injury, even if there is no actual threat of narcissistic injury.

A need for control is a broad explanation of why narcissists don’t answer questions. Within the concept of control, there are more specific reasons the narcissist won’t answer questions and I will go over 3 of the reasons.

One reason narcissists don’t answer questions is they think you don’t deserve answers. One of the traits of a narcissist is the belief that they are unique and special and can only be understood by other special and high-status people. Regardless of who you are, to the narcissist you are not that high status person they think they can relate to. This person doesn’t actually exist and is only a belief the narcissist has a way to maintain their false sense of superiority. Because you are not special and unique, the narcissist doesn’t think you deserve answers. To the narcissist, you wouldn’t understand the answer they give so why bother.

Another reason narcissists don’t give answers to questions is because they lack empathy. They are incapable of building connection with people due to their lack of empathy. Non-narcissists ask questions as a way to connect, understand, and question someone else. Narcissists don’t understand the role another person plays in the question asking. They can’t understand the non-narcissist wants answers to learn more about them, or to understand why they did what they did. All the narcissist sees is they are being questioned and this opens the door to the other person learning that they are not the flawless, superior person they want you to think you are.

The last reason I will discuss for why narcissists don’t give answers is because they want to keep you feeling confused and uncertain. The confusion and uncertainty are required for their gaslighting to be effective. If you have all the answers and feel confident with how things are working around you, then you are harder to control and manipulate through the gaslighting. The narcissist must be in control at all times and this is largely done through gaslighting. If you don’t have the answers to your questions, you won’t really know what to believe. This also helps explain why the narcissist won’t even answer the simple questions such as what they ate for breakfast. If they only left the more difficult questions unanswered, then you would catch onto their game more quickly. By not answering the ones that seem small and non-important then you might not initially see what is happening and that they are gaining the upper hand in the interactions.

As with most things with the narcissist, when you don’t know why they do what they do, you need to remember to turn it back on them and remember that narcissists operate as if they are the most important person. The narcissists don’t answer questions because they don’t care to give you information and they don’t care how the lack of information affects you.