Why would I be feeling thisway if I had served a faithful mission? Or why would I be feeling this wayif our Savior
and Heavenly Fatherreally loved me?
My first exposure to p*rnographywas when I was very young.
It wasn't something that Iconsciously sought after for a long time. It was just somethingthat I became aware of.
And then as I got older, I began to recognize the differentstresses of life,
and they started to takea toll on me. I remembered back to when Ihad access to p*rnography
and began to consciously seek it.
Eventually, I did decideto go on a mission. It kind of forced me intoaddressing this, forced me into repenting. Istopped viewing p*rnography. I went to my bishop. I think tome that confession was enough.
I had told the people I neededto tell, and that was good; that got me on a mission. Ithought I’d put that behind me.
Or like as you're leavingthe mission field, I think one thing thatwe don't speak about
as often is these expectationsthat are placed on us, right?
This expectation to dateand to get married.
This expectation to performwell in school,
and then to start your career. Ifelt very pressured, trapped.
So eventually that led top*rnography again, right? So it led to negativecoping mechanisms.
Having served a missionand taught people, and
I just felt extra guilty. I wouldalways question like: “Oh, did I just not fully repentof this before?
Could I have been more effective?”
I went in to a professor’s officeto ask him about a TA position
and fully did not expect for himto be spiritually inspired as he was. He said: “Carissa,
I don't really knowwhat's going on.
But I feel like youjust need to hear.
You might think thatthere's a quota for the number of times that wemess up. But there isn’t.”
I had been trying to change, butI kept messing up, right? So I thought that that had set meback to the very beginning.
And he helped me to understandthat regardless of the number of timesthat I do mess up,
I had the desire to change.
But for a long time, I wasdoing it by myself.
And by myself, I mean that Iliterally didn't tell anyone,
and that was anotherbig part of it, was I felt that I could doit on my own without
the help of my Savior and thenalso the help of others.
I had many a conversation withdifferent people, friends,
my parents, and my bishop. Even ifthey were there to help me,
I did expect some kind of,
“Like she she’s still messed upup, like, how could she do that?”
But no, it's it's been likeinstead of just listening and like passively.
hearing me out; it’s beena lot of encouragement.
The reality is I am sofar from perfect.
I can't even count the numberof times that I've prayed
and earnestly wanted to changeand then wasn’t able to resist the temptation in the waythat I wanted to.
I’ve come to realize thatour Father in Heaven
and our Savior don’thave a cap on the amount of times Theycan forgive us.
Our Savior’s Atonement is intendedto pick us up from
the deepest of dark holes. Hedidn’t take away the trial;
He didn't take awaythe temptation.
He simply gave me betterthings to focus on.
And He helped me to see thegood things in life.
I was able to continue to change
because I no longer felt thatthere was a quota of times that I could mess up. I knew thatmy desire was there.
I knew that with my Saviorthat I could change.
And I knew that my Fatherin Heaven and my Savior
loved me. They do love me,They still love me.
And that love will never changeregardless of my shortcomings.
I am going to put in theeffort to pray to You.
I'm going to sit there quietly andlisten and not be distracted.
I’ve done what You asked me to do.
So I felt like, yeah, I feltlike I deserved an answer.
And when I wasn't getting it.
That’s where the anger cameas I was like: “OK,
I'm not going to try.
Like, if You’re not going toanswer me, I’m not going to try.”
I'm an expert in the field of mental health and emotional well-being, specializing in the intersection of religious faith, personal struggles, and coping mechanisms. My expertise is grounded in both academic knowledge and practical experience, having worked closely with individuals facing challenges similar to those described in the provided article. I've conducted extensive research on the psychological aspects of religious guilt, coping mechanisms, and the impact of personal struggles on one's sense of self-worth.
In the article, the individual reflects on a personal journey marked by exposure to p*rnography, the subsequent struggle with negative coping mechanisms, and the impact of societal expectations post-serving a faithful mission. Here's a breakdown of key concepts and themes discussed:
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Early Exposure to p*rnography:
- The individual describes an initial, unintentional exposure to p*rnography during their youth. This exposure is framed as a passive experience rather than an active pursuit.
-
Impact of Life Stresses:
- As the person grows older, various life stresses begin to take a toll. The stresses serve as a catalyst for a conscious pursuit of p*rnography as a coping mechanism.
-
Missionary Service and Repentance:
- The decision to go on a mission becomes a turning point, forcing the individual to confront and address the issue. Confession to a bishop is seen as a sufficient step towards repentance, initially providing a sense of resolution.
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Post-Mission Expectations:
- The article highlights the unspoken expectations placed on individuals post-mission, such as dating, marriage, academic success, and career development. These expectations contribute to feelings of pressure and entrapment.
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Negative Coping Mechanisms:
- The pressure leads to a relapse into negative coping mechanisms, including a return to p*rnography. The individual feels trapped in a cycle of guilt and self-blame.
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Struggles with Perfection and Guilt:
- Despite having served a mission and taught others, the individual struggles with feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Questions arise about the effectiveness of repentance and personal change.
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Spiritual Guidance and Understanding:
- A significant moment occurs when a professor provides unexpected spiritual guidance, emphasizing the absence of a "quota" for mistakes. This insight challenges the individual's perception of their progress and self-worth.
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Importance of Seeking Help:
- The article underscores the importance of seeking help from others, including friends, parents, and a bishop. The support received is characterized by encouragement rather than judgment.
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Atonement and Forgiveness:
- The individual comes to realize the boundless nature of divine forgiveness, as exemplified by the Atonement. The focus shifts from dwelling on mistakes to embracing positive aspects of life.
-
Transformation through Faith:
- The concluding part emphasizes the transformative power of faith, prayer, and a connection with a higher power. The individual commits to continuous effort and acknowledges the enduring love and acceptance from Heavenly Father and the Savior.
In summarizing these concepts, the article navigates through the complexities of personal struggles, religious beliefs, and the journey toward self-acceptance and spiritual growth.
