After the positive feedback I received from The I and The R tool article, I have been persuaded to add another tool for your consideration. This process can help us better understand how and more importantly why we think the way we do. And when employed at the right time, this can ensure we do not allow ourselves to react in a way which might prevent our success.
The Heart represents the emotional reaction while The Mind provides a logical perspective
We are often in the balance between our hearts and our minds; subject to the emotional triggers which effect each of us differently, while logically analyzing the inputs, compartmentalizing them on how best to handle any situation which may arise.
When an event occurs in our lives, the heart and mind both react. The heart has an emotional reaction whereas the mind tends to view things with logic. In these situations, it maybe challenging at first but it is critical that we analyze how we are reacting and whether we are letting one approach overtake our response in any way too much.
The Heart
Many years ago, a peer of mine was provided feedback on his performance and denied a promotion, of which he had been expecting. The manager made statements my peer did not agree with, and furthermore felt the review was based more on opinion versus substantiated facts. Regardless his reaction was emotional, driven by his heartache. In the response section of the feedback form, he made both unprofessional and inappropriate comments about a peer who did get promoted that year; not fully understanding that his feedback would be saved and stored in that system forever. (Huge career mistake!) Emotion truly got the best of him.
When he and I spoke about the situation weeks later, he was still harboring great resentment. I asked him, "If a crazy homeless person on the subway gave you the kind of feedback you received, how would you react?" His response, flatly, "I wouldn't care at all, of course." To which I replied, "And yet now, weeks later you still hold this anger." I wanted him to realize that we create the reactions we have, and we choose to give power to some people and not to others. Our reactions are ultimately within our control. He was not only allowing these feelings to overtake him, but he held on to them, allowing them to further impact future opportunities for potential success.
By reacting, we are saying that this person can hurt us, and we are choosing to allow it.
Frankly many people will have opinions of you, and most you will never hear nor should you care about. So why do we react emotionally when we do? I ask that you consider, why do we cry, or allow this feedback to doubt our self-worth? Why are the words of this person more important than you own feelings?
The Mind
On the opposite side of the spectrum there is the logical side of our thinking. Many years ago two friends of mine were speaking, as one had recently purchased a Mustang for his daughters and proudly boasted with satisfaction. My other friend immediately allowed the logic side to take over, and instead of applauding our friend in this moment of pride, he jumped into a rational explanation of why that was a bad idea. Literally stating, "That is not a good idea, Mustangs are the worst." Then proceeded to tell our friend what he should have done, as his opinion was in his mind the best. In this situation, the two people were sharing information, and maybe fact or research could have motivated the one friend to share his thoughts, but the approach was purely a logical outburst, with little consideration for the feelings of the other person. The proud father was visibly dismayed by the comment, but it was clear his friend neither read the room, nor considered using his heart in the situation.
I have said this before, we are merely human, and it is very important to remember it now as we discuss how we think and how we react. An emotional response has just as legitimate place as a logical response, but both can make us say and do things we may regret later. Both reactions in balance have value but both are not always necessary at each event, the trick is trying to understand when to use which. I "try" and employ a 3-5 second rule, it takes practice and a desire to hold back from making a quick response. In that 3-5 seconds, evaluate what I am about to say, and the merit of its value to the discussion.
There is no light switch, no easy way to start thinking "right" but should you consider the desire alone to employ a trick such as this as a step in the right direction. We must also remember that some people are very good at hiding when we have hurt their feelings, and not reacting to something hurtful, is not acceptance of it.
Pause and take a personal inventory here; reflect on the mistakes you have made, the moments you have made comments both with all heart or all mind. Reflect also on your reactions, where have you allowed someone's words to affect you emotionally. I will remind you again, you are human, but use these reflections to consider both your reactions and your approach. It is our job as leaders but more importantly as humans in a society to best understand how we message things has just as much as the impact as the words themselves.
