Stonewalling in a Relationship is a Serious Red Flag | Family Strategies (2024)

FAQs

What is the psychology behind stonewalling? ›

Stonewalling often stems from a combination of factors, including: Overwhelm: One partner may become overwhelmed by emotions and feel the need to withdraw to manage their feelings. Avoidance of Conflict: Some individuals stonewall as a way to avoid confrontations and uncomfortable discussions.

Stonewalling usually originates as a defense mechanism in someone's childhood and is a learned behavior. Stonewalling can be a natural response to abuse as well — where a victim shuts down when being yelled at, demeaned, or abused in other ways. They are likely trying to self-soothe for their own well-being.

Stonewalling can also lead to feelings of frustration, anger, or stress. Additionally, research suggests that a demand-withdraw pattern is associated with depression. Stonewalling may cause the individual on the demand side to feel isolated and lonely due to their partner's unwillingness to engage with them.

So, if you are stonewalling and feeling flooded, say that you need a break using whatever signal, word, or phrase you and your partner have decided upon. Let each other know when you're feeling overwhelmed. Then, you need to walk away and do something soothing on your own.

There are various motivations behind stonewalling – childhood trauma, avoiding confrontation, manipulation, gaslighting, or checking out of the relationship. Understanding the root cause is key. Being stonewalled can make partners feel frustrated, disrespected, resentful, helpless, and lonely.

Narcissism is a personality disorder characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a constant need for admiration, a lack of empathy, and a preoccupation with personal success and power. Narcissists are known to engage in manipulative, aggressive behavior, including stonewalling.

Unintentional stonewalling isn't malicious in nature. This is typically a defense or survival mechanism being used to cope with emotional discomfort during moments of conflict and heightened stimuli. A person engaging in this type of stonewalling fears their partner's reaction or doesn't want to make an argument worse.

And when I am challenged with people who trigger big emotions in me — I shut down. What I want people to understand though, is that not all stonewalling is narcissism. Sometimes it's a trauma response.

According to Gottman, stonewalling can be used as a form of manipulation or punishment and not just a way to avoid conflict. Teens may shut down or stonewall parents during the high-stress period of puberty.

The “stonewaller” personality is the behavior of an individual who tends to shut down during an argument and refuses to communicate or even cooperate. This person is emotionally closed off, and at times it could be extremely hard to reach them.

How do Stonewallers feel? ›

For the person being stonewalled, it can leave them feeling confused, hurt and angry. It can wear down on their self-esteem, leading them to feel worthless or hopeless. For the person stonewalling, they also suffer as they are denying themselves emotional intimacy with their partner.

Self-soothing is the antidote to stonewalling and what you can do when you are flooded. You need to call a time out when you reach that point to give yourself the space to calm down and self-soothe. Once you are calm, you can try to talk again.

The antidote to stonewalling is to learn to calm yourself down actively and then to re-engage in the conversation. Antidotes to stonewalling: – Check for feelings of being emotionally overwhelmed (i.e. emotional flooding). – Take time out: Tell your partner you need a break from the conflict discussion.

Stonewalling, or the refusal to communicate with someone meaningfully, over time, can sometimes be considered a form of emotional abuse that can harm relationships and self-esteem.

Particularly when intentional and manipulative, this type of behavior can contribute to stress, depression, anxiety, and other negative mental health outcomes among those who experience it. Emotional abuse can take many forms and have far-reaching consequences, and stonewalling is just one of these potential forms.