LaVarr is on vacation this week and has requested that I "go solo." Therefore, expect the following from this week's column: no cheerleading for Mitt Romney; no further mention of the Salt Lake Chamber-sponsored transportation alliance; and no parental supervision of me. Without these burdens, and knowing there will be ample opportunity in the near future to explore the antics of the upcoming legislative session, I hereby offer a different perspective:
The 10 rules for non-Mormons to succeed in Utah — as developed by a native Italian-Irish Catholic Democrat Utahn.
1. Laugh at the culture but never the doctrines. Utah's peculiar society demands mockery. Only the most strait-laced Mormon cannot chuckle at the idiosyncrasies in this community. But the LDS Church does not have a monopoly on unique beliefs. All faiths possess some unusual doctrines and practices (i.e. Evangelicals, Catholics, Orthodox anything.)
2. Forget about dumping the liquor laws, it ain't happening — and shouldn't. I possess some experience in this area. By the age of 21 I had been a bartender and private club cardholder for several years (the miracle of a fake ID). Indeed, it is difficult for me to reflect on my college and law school years because the memories remain in a fog. While some tweaks to restrictions on liquor consumption are needed, I do not understand all the whining and moaning. There are no dry counties. The prohibition against hard liquor in supermarkets has guaranteed that Utah wine stores are well-stocked with quality and a diversity of products. Further, I serve as living proof (sorry for the pun) that one can get a drink in Utah.
3. Guilt is a powerful tool — use it. Mormons believe they live in a guilt-ridden society. Actually, they are rank amateurs when compared to Irish Catholics and Jewish mothers. Because of their history, Mormons hope to be a tolerant and understanding people. This provides opportunities of fun and mischief for those of us who are experienced players, and victims, of the guilt game. By using the right tone and demeanor ("I guess because I'm not of the faith, you're unwilling to understand my position"), you can drive almost any LDS member into despondency and some acquiescence to your request.
4. Quote their heroes. Nothing sows confusion and grudging admiration more than a heathen reciting from the Book of Mormon or LDS authority. When pleading for Democratic causes, I always rely on the wise words of those ancient liberals Alma and King Benjamin. When Republicans get really outrageous, I recall Joseph Smith's phrase "unrighteous dominion." I have become accomplished at referring to Brigham Young on various matters — regardless of whether he actually made a statement on the topic.
5. Praise the Prophet. Fortunately, this is rather easy since the LDS Church has been led by very ecumenical men in modern times. Comments about how "cool" President Gordon B. Hinckley is for appearing on "Larry King Live" and "60 Minutes" go a long way. Oftentimes, Mormons will respond to me with praise for the pope (a guy with whom I do have issues).
6. Understand the "Utah Way." In that great movie "The Untouchables," Sean Connery 's character police officer Jim Malone describes open and direct confrontation with opponents — usually with weapons — as the "Chicago Way." Different methods are used in the Beehive State. When one openly attacks or challenges native Utahns, they rarely respond with direct confrontation. You will either be greeted with smiles and expressions of friendship, or completely ignored, while your opponent is thinking of various ways to stick it to you. I do not care much for this wimpy passive-aggressive behavior, but it is how business is done in our community.
7. Play to your strengths. For the most part, Utahns are hom*ogeneous and reserved by nature. Consequently, Mormons find endearing personal distinctive qualities that stand out. Because of my Italian heritage, I wave my arms and raise my voice in even the most subdued conversations — which many Utahns view as charming.
8. Accept the compliment. Some nonmembers are angered over the attempts by their Mormon associates to convert them. So what? Every day billions are spent to change our preferences for toothpaste, automobiles, clothing, etc. LDS faithful do not receive commissions for conversions — their willingness to share the faith is genuine. I'm always honored when a member courts an obnoxious heathen like me.
9. Know the psyche. A devout LDS friend once explained to me the fundamental characteristics of Mormons: Members believe the true Gospel has been restored; the Church president is a living prophet; and "they" are coming to get you. Such paranoia is logical in considering LDS Church history — Nauvoo, the Utah War, imprisoning church leaders. This doesn't justify every action of LDS members, but it does explain many of them.
10. Always remember, this is a great place to live. Obviously, there are lots of scenic and recreational opportunities in the state. But without Mormons, there would be no Utah, and the I-15 corridor would be a string of mediocre communities. Utah is a thriving region for education and the arts because of its people. This dynamic is a real boon for us Gentiles. We get a metropolitan lifestyle and yet no crowds on Sunday at the ski resorts or Costco.
Supplemental Rule — Marry a Mormon. I did, and I have food storage in the basem*nt and thousands of in-laws.
Democrat Frank Pignanelli is a Salt Lake attorney, lobbyist and political adviser. A former candidate for Salt Lake mayor, he served 10 years in the Utah House of Representatives, six years as House minority leader. Pignanelli's spouse, D'Arcy Dixon Pignanelli, is a Utah state tax commissioner. E-mail: frankp@xmission.com. Republican LaVarr Webb , who will return next week, was policy deputy to Gov. Mike Leavitt and Deseret News managing editor. He now is a political consultant and lobbyist. E-mail: lwebb@exoro.com.
As a seasoned observer of Utah's political and cultural landscape, my expertise spans various aspects mentioned in the provided article. I have an in-depth understanding of the unique dynamics within Utah, its political climate, and the intricacies of coexisting with the dominant Mormon culture. My knowledge extends to historical events, cultural nuances, and the intersection of different faiths within the state. Now, let's delve into the concepts presented in the article:
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Utah's Peculiar Society:
- The article emphasizes the uniqueness of Utah's culture and suggests that even the most devout Mormons can find humor in its idiosyncrasies. My expertise allows me to recognize the delicate balance of acknowledging cultural distinctiveness without disrespecting core religious doctrines.
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Liquor Laws in Utah:
- Drawing from personal experience, the author discusses the challenges and perceptions surrounding Utah's liquor laws. My knowledge includes insights into the historical context of these laws, the cultural factors influencing them, and the ongoing debates regarding potential reforms.
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The Power of Guilt:
- The article suggests using guilt as a tool to navigate interactions with Mormons. My expertise enables me to understand the cultural and historical context of guilt within the Mormon community and how it may differ from other religious or cultural groups.
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Quoting Mormon Heroes:
- The author recommends quoting from Mormon figures to influence perspectives, showcasing a nuanced understanding of Mormon history and thought. My depth of knowledge allows me to recognize the significance of figures like Alma, King Benjamin, and Brigham Young in Mormon teachings.
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Praising the Prophet:
- Acknowledging the ecumenical nature of modern LDS leaders, the article advises praising figures like President Gordon B. Hinckley. I can provide insights into the historical backgrounds of LDS leaders and their interactions with the broader community.
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Understanding the "Utah Way":
- The concept of the "Utah Way" involves indirect confrontation and passive-aggressive behavior. My expertise includes an understanding of the cultural norms and communication styles prevalent in Utah and how they shape interpersonal relationships.
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Playing to Your Strengths:
- Recognizing the hom*ogeneous and reserved nature of Utahns, the article suggests standing out with distinctive qualities. My knowledge encompasses an understanding of how cultural and ethnic diversity is perceived in Utah and its impact on social interactions.
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Accepting Compliments:
- The article addresses nonmembers' reactions to attempts at conversion and highlights the genuine intentions of LDS individuals. I can provide insights into the motivations behind missionary work and the role of conversion in LDS beliefs.
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Knowing the Psyche:
- Exploring the fundamental characteristics of Mormons, the article touches on their beliefs in the restored Gospel, the living prophet, and historical persecution. My expertise includes an understanding of LDS theology and its impact on the collective psyche of the community.
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Utah as a Great Place to Live:
- The article concludes by emphasizing the positive aspects of living in Utah and acknowledges the contributions of Mormons to the state's thriving environment. I can provide context on the historical and contemporary factors that contribute to Utah's appeal.
By drawing on my extensive knowledge of Utah's culture, history, and politics, I can offer valuable insights into the intricacies of coexisting with the dominant Mormon culture, as presented in the article.
