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Humans may be one of the most advanced species on this planet, but it surely comes back to bite us on the rump when it comes to relationships because, well, it’s hard, man, and we ain’t making things any easier.
Marriage mentor Suzy Sypert, with whom Bored Panda got in touch for an interview, has recently been going viral for explaining just how much relationships can get problematic in a family depending on how close parents are with their kids.
In the now-viral TikTok video, Sypert elaborates on the Family of Origin Triangulation phenomenon, whereby one parent or step-parent can grow to hate a kid because of how close they grow to the other parent.
More Info: TikTok Part 1 | TikTok Part 2 | Instagram | Website
While TikTok is primarily an entertainment social medium, it’s quickly becoming an educational one too
Image credits: Suzy Sypert
Huge disclaimer by Suzy Sypert: “first, only a licensed therapist hired by someone can truly diagnose the issues in their lives that need to be addressed. I’m here to educate and draw attention to things that happen to people as they’re growing up.”
“Second, how this plays out for people and what they need to do to heal is as varied as the families that we grow up in, and again, is why people need to do their own work and find a therapist that can help them look at their specific situations.”
“I am deeply indebted to Adam Young Counseling and his podcast ‘The Place We Find Ourselves,’ as well as, The Allender Center of Dan Allender for all the things they have helped me learn and understand on this topic and other issues of attachment theory.”
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And now, on with our article!
And what started off as a mother-in-law improv quickly turned into an educational video on the Family of Origin Triangulation
Image credits: Suzy Sypert
So, TikToker Julianna Jenning posted a video where she improvised toxic MILs. One of the phrases she used was “you’re his wife, but I’m his mother, and I raised him!”
Well, marriage mentor Suzy Sypert stitched that for her own TikTok video and used the opportunity to explain this thing called the Family of Origin Triangulation.
Image credits: Suzy Sypert
Basically, in a healthy family, the parents would have a closer emotional relationship between each other than they would with their children. This, of course, doesn’t mean the kid isn’t loved—just that the parents share a more intimate bond between each other than with the child, who is loved nonetheless.
If all of this sounds all too familiar, Sypert explains that this is a pretty common occurrence: “F.O.T. is much more common than people want to admit. We even have terms that are sometimes used for it: ‘Mamma’s boy’ or ‘Daddy’s girl.'”
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Image credits: Suzy Sypert
Image credits: Suzy Sypert
Image credits: Suzy Sypert
Now, it can happen that one of the parents could develop an emotional relationship that is closer to their kid than to their spouse. As a result, the child starts meeting the emotional needs of the parent, and they inevitably start carrying the burden, while the spouse starts developing disdain for the child.
This can happen with any variation: between the mother and her son or daughter, as well as the father and his son or daughter.
Image credits: Suzy Sypert
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Image credits: Suzy Sypert
Image credits: Suzy Sypert
Here’s part one of Suzy’s explanation on the family of origin triangulation
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@suzysypert##stitch with @itsjuliannajennings where do the ##milfromhell come from? It could be that Family of Origin Triangulation ##friendsreunion2021♬ original sound – Suzy Sypert
In part two of her video, Sypert elaborates on how this can also happen between biological parents and their kids when a step-parent is in the mix. So, for example, a mother can be closer to her son than she is to her boyfriend.
Sypert released a ‘part two’, where she answers a TikTok user’s question
Image credits: Suzy Sypert
This ultimately boils down to immense pressure for the child. They are now effectively functioning as the spouse on an emotional level. It doesn’t allow the child to be a child and enjoy childhood, and this is besides being emotionally burdened by the parent’s emotions and the whole thing being very damaging.
Told you relationships are hard.
And that’s not all. Sypert elaborated that it can affect people’s marriages and abilities to relate to their spouse and others and it can affect people’s sexuality and how they pursue connections with others.
“This is happening during a person’s most formative years—childhood—and continues into adulthood where the child continues to serve the role they did as a kid. In short, it can affect every part of our life. How we love. How we see ourselves. How we see others. How we parent,” explained Sypert.
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