When it comes to relationships, the subject of money can sometimes be a huge source of tension and unease. It’s normal to occasionally argue about bills or how money is being spent… but when your partner gets controlling about money, or prevents you from making money of your own, this can be a sign of financial abuse.
Financial abuse isn’t a form of abuse that many talk or hear about. In fact, it’s one that most partners don’t even identify as “abusive.” That’s because the word “abuse” traditionally implies some form of severe physical or emotional harm. Yet, financial abuse can be subtle and just as harmful. It may start small, then evolve over time.
Before you know it, those early small money arguments become borderline controlling. When you try to bring it up or challenge your partner’s behaviors, they’ll often make excuses for how they’re acting. Maybe it’s been a tough month for work, they’re stressed over bills, or money is tight and you’ve spent more than they felt was reasonable.
These constant excuses can become so frequent that suddenly even you’re justifying it. Financial arguments, tension, and control become “normal” overnight. In response, you learn to avoid confrontations about money, and you learn how to “manage” the arguments and behaviors when they come.
It’s important not to disregard your partner’s controlling behaviors around money. Financial abuse is a tactic that allows a partner to maintain power and control – from demanding full financial authority to withholding money, taking advantage of the money you earn, or preventing you from developing your own financial independence.
Here’s some common examples of what financial abuse looks like:
- Monitoring how you spend your money, asking for receipts
- Creating worry and fear when explaining normal, everyday purchases
- Constant outbursts and one-sided arguments over money
- Withholding money
- Limiting access to money or credit cards
- Demanding full control over shared bank accounts
- Threatening to not pay bills or child support
- Using money to say that you cannot support yourself on your own
- Influencing your career or education decisions
- Preventing you from performing well at work or school
- Harassing you at work
- Keeping you out of money conversations or hiding debts
Financial abuse can also look like this:
- Requiring you to pay for everything
- Making you pay for their non-essential needs (like alcohol after a bad day)
- Making excuses for why they can’t financially contribute
- Spending recklessly, disregarding bills and important shared expenses
- Getting angry if you spend your money and don’t share it with them
- Inability to keep a job, putting the financial burden on you
- Depleting you of your earnings and even your life savings
If you said yes to even a few of these, you may be experiencing financial abuse. These behaviors are not consistent with healthy, normal arguing or money disputes in a relationship. Going back to the list you just read, you’ll see that each one is a means to maintain some level of power and control within the relationship. It creates an unhealthy dynamic where they’re in charge and your role is to meet their needs (or to just be grateful, stay out of things, or stop being so selfish, etc.). This dynamic of one person establishing power and control is what defines and underlies abusive relationships.
The impact of financial abuse on your life and your emotional health…
It’s critical to see how financial abuse extends beyond “the money.” It impacts a person emotionally and psychologically. A partner who controls money is manipulative. They foster a sense of fear. They have you walking on eggshells. Financial abuse may be the source of threats and other consequences if you don’t oblige. These behaviors impact the daily decisions you make. It may affect your career or educational pursuits, or keep you trapped at home.
Additionally, financial abuse is often linked to other forms of abuse – like emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse. Over time, these behaviors can also become a precursor to heightened physical aggression or harm.These dynamics and interactions are not normal nor healthy, and they can have a devastating impact on the person experiencing it. Abuse robs you of your voice, your self-esteem, self-worth, confidence, and energy. It prevents you from preserving and maintaining your own autonomy and independence. It holds the risk of stealing your entire identity.
Think you’re experiencing financial abuse? Here are 6 steps you can take.
1) Start by simply recognizing the abuse, and becoming aware of what you’re experiencing. It’s important not to make excuses or justify why a partner would commit such behaviors. It’s also important to recognize the recurring patterns of behavior that seem to keep happening over and over again. In healthy relationships, issues can be discussed and resolved. There’s accountability. In abusive relationships, patterns of abuse are recurring. This constant, almost predictable, cycle is a tell-tale warning sign of abuse.
2) Allow yourself to know that the financial control is not normal nor okay. Trust in your gut and your intelligence. You know what you’re experiencing isn’t okay, so know it. Know that your partner does not have a right to control your money, you, your career, or how you live your life. Know that they do not have a right to make demands, make you feel crazy or fearful, or provide constant excuses. However, you do not need to express this to your partner. This is for you, internally, to regain a needed level of insight and clarity about what’s going on.
3) Empower yourself with better, truer thoughts. Partners who financially abuse manipulate your actions as well as your thoughts. To counter the invisible brainwashing, notice your own thoughts. If you find that they are negative or a variation of your partner’s words, talk positively to yourself and flip the typical narrative. For example, if you catch yourself saying, “Well if I just hadn’t bought…,” this is your partner’s manipulative thoughts embedded within your psyche. Instead, replace it with, “I may have bought extra, but nothing justifies me being threatened or screamed at.” Remember… there are relationships everywhere with financial strain, but no abuse.
4) Consider ending the relationship. If your partner’s financial abuse is severe, it’s important to take action versus continuing to suffer. If they affect your emotional health, or prevent you from earning money and accessing independence without them, this is not a healthy relationship. It’s a dangerous pattern of control. Healthy relationships are built on equality and respect. A loving partner doesn’t seek to control. You may hope things will change, but research consistently proves otherwise. These behaviors only escalate, get worse, and keep you trapped.
5) Set aside ‘escape’ money that only you know about. Do this only if you can do so safely and discreetly. Storing even a small amount of money aside will help you build a security net in case you ever need to quickly flee for your safety, or should you choose to end the relationship. Identify a safe or hidden location, or leave it with a trusted family member or friend. Be sure to also note down banking and credit card information, as well as needed phone numbers, in case your partner were to ever seize these or cut off access to your accounts.
6) Talk to a free, trusted expert in your community. Any potential victim of abuse should seek help and support from a professional in the field. You may not realize that all domestic violence centers and “shelters” offer tons of supports – like counseling and safety planning – entirely free. Some agencies even have programs and funds to assist housing and utility payments during any transitions. There are also anonymous and confidential 24/7 hotline numbers where you can simply get advice. This can help you get an objective opinion and access real, local guidance on what you can do.
Is it possible to talk to my partner to fix things?
Depending on the level of financial abuse, you may be able to improve things by talking about the issues. Communicate with your partner, only if it’s safe. This is not recommended for partners who are extremely financially abusive and/or who perpetrate other abusive behaviors as well. The truth is… money is a tricky area, linked to triggers and belief systems developed throughout life and childhood. For example, if your partner feels the need to be the sole financial provider, this may be a dynamic they grew up with and believe is normal. If money was tight growing up, they may have developed a scarcity belief that causes them to be more controlling. While a conversation can’t undo this overnight, a healthy relationship will foster space to talk respectfully and safely about these issues.
Should you decide to talk to your partner, find a safe space to talk; consider somewhere public with people nearby. Speak calmly and use “I feel,” statements, e.g., “I feel scared when you scream over bills.” From there, hopefully your partner will become self-aware and choose to work on things. If they really desire to change, therapy is an ideal option. However, if the relationship is abusive, it’s critical that you seek support from a professional.
Remember, healthy loving partners don’t seek to control.
What you’ve been experiencing has likely become your norm… but it does not mean it’s normal. If you’re stressed, anxious, and emotionally drained, then remind yourself that you deserve so much more. Nothing you do justifies abusive behaviors, nor does anything in your partner’s life. You deserve love and respect. A healthy relationship will support you, and requires a balance of self-sufficiency and independence. You being here, simply reading this article, is your start. It’s a moment of awareness that hopefully lends some answers, some hope, and leads you to make whatever decision you might need. You are not alone. Help is always a call, text, or hotline away.
Abuse is a vicious cycle and you are not alone. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence or financial abuse, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1(800) 799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org.
For resources, click here.
Still have questions? Email me.
About: Ashley Bendiksen is a nationally acclaimed speaker, activist, author, and subject matter expert in domestic violence, teen dating violence and sexual assault prevention. She speaks to high school and college students, educators and youth service providers, as well as first responders, law enforcement, victim services, and corporate audiences. She is also a survivor keynote speaker for major events.
View Ashley’s talks: for students and schools /// for professionals and conferences.
