I always wanted to be a mom, but I didn't anticipate how hard it would be losing my indentity. Having my second child forced me to rethink the way I parent. (2024)

Becoming a mother has always been my dream, but the reality of it hit harder than I expected.

The joy of holding my firstborn was pure and unmatched, but as the days turned into months, and then years, I found myself slowly fading into the background.

My name was replaced with “mom”, my preferences became secondary to my child’s needs, and my identity began to slip away.

When I became pregnant with my second child, a new wave of anxiety washed over me. How could I maintain my sense of self while caring for not just one, but two little ones?

In this deeply personal journey, I’ll share how having my second child made me confront the loss of my individuality head-on and rethink my approach to parenting. If you’re feeling lost in motherhood, this reflection might offer you some insights and comfort.

Deciphering my identity crisis

As a new mom, I was consumed by diaper changes, feedings, and sleep schedules. My world revolved around my little one and, to be honest, I was happy about it. I was in love with my baby and felt a sense of fulfillment that I had never experienced before.

But with the arrival of my second child, this sense of fulfillment started to feel more like a heavy weight. Suddenly, I had two small beings entirely dependent on me. My days were filled with even more chores and responsibilities, leaving little room for myself.

I found myself yearning for the person I used to be – the woman who had her own dreams and ambitions. As I looked at myself in the mirror, I barely recognized the woman staring back at me.

It was a sobering realization: I had lost my identity in the process of becoming a mother.

I knew then that it was time to redefine my parenting approach. Not just for my sake, but also for the well-being of my children. After all, they deserved a mother who was present not just physically but emotionally and mentally too.

Embracing the chaos

Growing up, I envisioned motherhood as a well-orchestrated symphony but found it to be more like jazz – unpredictable and full of improvisation, especially with the chaos doubling as my second child arrived.

Juggling tasks and feeling like a failure, a moment of clarity struck me: What if I embraced the chaos instead of fighting it?What if the disorder was not a sign of failure but a natural part of this beautiful journey?

I realized that my desire for control was not only causing me stress but also making me lose sight of the spontaneous joys of parenting. By trying to orchestrate everything, I was missing out on the unique rhythms each child brought into our lives.

Embracing chaos wasn’t the same as giving up. Rather, it meant adapting, growing, finding beauty in the unexpected, and rediscovering a lost part of myself that thrives in creativity and spontaneity.

It added a new dimension to my identity as a mother.

Finding myself in the midst of motherhood

As I began to navigate this new approach, I realized that finding my identity didn’t mean separating myself from my children or my responsibilities as a mother. Instead, it meant redefining what being a mother meant to me.

I started by incorporating small moments of ‘me-time’ into my day. Whether it was enjoying a hot cup of coffee in the morning, reading a book during nap times, or pursuing a hobby that I had put on hold.

These moments not only rejuvenated me but also reminded me of the woman I was before becoming a mom.

In addition to these small changes, I also began prioritizing my mental health. I started therapy and joined a local mothers’ support group. Sharing my experiences and learning from others made me realize that I was not alone in my struggles.

But perhaps the most important change was in my mindset. I stopped viewing myself solely through the lens of motherhood and started acknowledging the other facets of my identity. Yes, I was a mother, but I was also a woman with her own dreams, passions, and capabilities.

This journey of rediscovery was not easy, but it was necessary. It made me realize that losing oneself in the process of becoming a mother is not inevitable.

With conscious effort and self-compassion, it is possible to balance our roles as mothers without losing our individual identities.

The power of community

It’s often said that it takes a village to raise a child, and in many cultures around the world, this is more than just a saying. It’s a reality.

Mothers are not expected to shoulder all the responsibilities of child-rearing alone. Instead, they share these duties with a supportive community of relatives, friends, and neighbors.

In contrast, modern parenting often puts immense pressure on mothers to do it all by themselves. This isolation can easily lead to feelings of overwhelm and identity loss.

Recognizing this, I made a conscious effort to build my own supportive community. I started reaching out more to my friends, family, and fellow moms. I shared my struggles and victories, asked for advice when I was unsure, and offered help when others needed it.

This sense of community was empowering. It made me realize that it’s okay to ask for help and that doing so doesn’t make me any less of a mother. On the contrary, leaning on others allowed me to be a more present and balanced parent.

Building this network not only eased my parenting journey but also helped me reconnect with the world outside of motherhood. It reminded me that while being a mom is a crucial part of my identity, it’s not the only one.

Acknowledging the guilt

In reclaiming my identity, I unexpectedly confronted guilt — guilt for wanting something for myself while my children needed me, for prioritizing my dreams alongside my family’s.

This constant companion gnawed at me with every step toward self-care. I questioned if I was being selfish, pondering whether motherhood was solely about sacrifice and putting my children’s needs before my own.

But as I wrestled with these feelings, I realized that this guilt was born out of unrealistic expectations placed on mothers.

Society often paints an image of the ‘perfect mother‘ who is selfless, always available, and singularly focused on her children. But this image is not only unattainable, it’s unhealthy.

I had to accept that wanting to retain my identity did not make me a bad mother. It was okay to have aspirations outside of motherhood. It was okay to take time for myself. And it was not just okay, but necessary.

Letting go of perfection

Media often paints motherhood as a perfect journey with serene moments and staged photos, but real-life motherhood is messy, chaotic, and exhausting.

In my pursuit of being the best mother, I unwittingly bought into this perfection illusion, aiming for an impossible standard that heightened stress and inadequacy.

Having kids taught me an unexpected lesson: perfection is unattainable and unnecessary. Children don’t need a perfect mother; they need a loving, present, and authentic one who makes mistakes, learns from them, and shows them that imperfection is okay.

Letting go of this need for perfection was liberating. It took an immense load off my shoulders and allowed me to focus on what truly mattered – enjoying the precious moments with my children and being present for their growth.

This shift in perspective also helped me regain a part of my identity that I had lost in my pursuit of perfection – the part that embraced imperfections and celebrated authenticity.

Finding balance in imbalance

In the midst of diapers changes, meal preparations, school runs, and bedtime stories, it’s easy to feel like your life is out of balance. For a long time, I found myself yearning for the equilibrium I had before becoming a mom.

I tried various strategies to regain this balance – strict schedules, time management techniques, even multitasking. But nothing seemed to work. The demands of motherhood were simply too unpredictable and all-encompassing.

It was during one of these frantic days that I had a revelation: maybe balance wasn’t about evenly dividing my time between my children and myself. Maybe it was about finding harmony amidst the imbalance.

This meant accepting that some days would be entirely consumed by motherhood, while on others, I could take a few moments for myself.

This newfound perspective not only eased my stress but also helped me regain my sense of self. I learned to navigate the ebbs and flows of motherhood without losing my identity, finding balance in the beautiful chaos that is parenting.

Rediscovering the joy of motherhood

Motherhood is a transformative experience that shapes us in ways we could never have anticipated. Amidst this transformation, it’s not uncommon to feel like we’re losing our sense of self.

However, as I’ve discovered through my journey, this loss of identity isn’t a foregone conclusion. It’s possible to be a devoted mother and still retain our individuality.

It’s a delicate dance between embracing the chaos, acknowledging the guilt, letting go of perfection, and finding balance in imbalance.

But perhaps the most important aspect of this journey is self-compassion. Being a mother is hard work – it’s a role that requires us to wear many hats and meet countless demands. It’s only natural that we sometimes falter under this weight.

We need to remember to be kind to ourselves during these times. Moreover, we need to remember that our children are watching us.

By taking care of ourselves, by pursuing our interests, by refusing to lose ourselves in motherhood, we are teaching them valuable lessons about self-love, resilience, and authenticity.

Finally, it’s important to remember that every mother’s experience is unique. What worked for me may not work for you. The journey to reclaiming or maintaining your identity in motherhood will look different for each one of us. And that’s okay. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach here.

So if you’re feeling lost in motherhood, know that you’re not alone. And remember that it’s never too late to start this journey.

In the symphony of motherhood, self-love is the sweetest melody

After entering motherhood, it’s easy to get so consumed by the needs of our children that we forget about our own. But becoming a mother doesn’t mean that our needs and desires disappear. They still exist, and they’re just as important.

Self-love meant acknowledging my feelings without judgment. It meant taking time for myself without guilt.And most importantly, self-love meant recognizing that I am more than just a mother.

That I am a woman with her own identity, her own strengths, her own flaws, her own dreams.

Embracing self-love didn’t just help me reclaim my identity; it made me a better mother. Because when I’m kind to myself, when I’m fulfilled and at peace with who I am, I can give the best of myself to my children.

So if you find yourself feeling lost in your journey of motherhood, remember this: You matter. Your dreams matter. Your happiness matters.

Because self-love isn’t just about you – it’s also about the kind of mother you want to be and the kind of world you want your children to grow up in.