Since writing an article about parental alienation (What Parental Alienation Is and Is Not), several readers have asked for a follow-up article on how to prevent to minimize the damage of any alienation they have experienced. While others have said that parental alienation doesnt happen, that it is pop-psychology, and it is not real.
I do agree that parental alienation is not a diagnosable disorder yet. However, to say that it doesnt occur is inaccurate. Over the last 10 years in my private practice alone, I have been aware of more than a dozen such cases, some being mild while others are more severe. And have suspected many more in addition to that. Looking back on my own life as a child of divorced parents, my parental grandmother made every effort to alienate me from my mother who was my primary caretaker.
Part of my job as a therapist is to observe behavior, process said behavior, categorize and analyze it. Having said that, I do believe that parental alienation is real. But before we talk about counteracting it, it is prudent to have a common understanding of it.
What is parental alienation? Parental alienation occurs when one parent encourages their child to unfairly reject the other parent. The child might display signs of unwarranted fear, hostility, and/or disrespect toward one parent while displaying signs of loyalty, unconditional trust, and/or empathy towards the other. The contrast in behavior, emotional responses, and thoughts towards each parent are dichotomous. The child may or may not be able to communicate logical reasoning for the difference. It can happen unintentionally or intentionally depending on the nature of the situation.
What can a parent do? If you suspect some type of parental alienation, keeping a log of information for your purposes only is advisable. This will help to remind you of past comments, concerns, or connections that seem inappropriate or off. Later, this log can be presented to a therapist who understands this condition to see if your observations are consistent with alienation. Remember, that children/teens often go through an I hate mom/dad phase that is considered within the range of normal. This is why it is important to verify your concerns with a therapist before concluding that it is happening.
After verification, now what? Here are several suggestions for how to counteract the effects of alienation:
- Listen to your child. Have a time and space that is safe for your child to vent. This is commonly done at bedtime when a child is relaxed and perhaps more reflective. Listen openly to your child without comment, judgment, emotional reaction, or questioning. Just listen. Absorb what your child is saying and respond with empathy only. No solutions. No punishment. No pressure.
- This works because it is the counter to parental alienation. Remember in order for alienation to be effective, there is a constant barrage of misinformation, manipulation, and pressure. Creating a no-pressure-safe-zone helps your child to decompress.
- Play with your child. Have structured times of unstructured play in which you as the parent participate. During this time, the child is in charge of everything: what to play, how to play it, and the duration. Play therapist has used this technique for some time to discover a childs hidden thoughts, emotions, and traumas/experiences.
- This technique puts the child in the drivers seat which is very different from the home in which the alienation is occurring. Again, it is the anti-alienation environment that provides healing, awareness, and insight.
- Be patient with your child. At your house, your child should be free from questions or comments about the other household. In trying to find out about the alienation, some parents border on unintentional alienation. Dont do this. Let your child come to you, offer empathy, show love, and express your concern but dont talk bad about the other parent. If your child shows you anger, show them support and compassion. Some times a child releases the negative emotions in a space they feel is safe and not in the space that is causing the frustration.
- Patience with your child might need to last longer than a couple of days, it might turn into a couple of years. Regardless of how long it takes, show unconditional love whenever they return. Remember, you are the adult. Their child-like behavior is age-appropriate.
Parenting in a divorce situation is hard enough without all of the drama that comes with parental alienation. Keep the drama in your household to a minimum so your child can rest, heal, and recoup before they return to the hostile environment.
I'm an experienced therapist with over a decade of dedicated practice, specializing in family dynamics and mental health. Throughout my career, I've encountered numerous cases of parental alienation, ranging from mild to severe. My expertise extends not only from academic knowledge but also from hands-on experience, having worked closely with individuals and families dealing with the complexities of parental alienation.
Parental alienation is a significant concern that, despite not being officially recognized as a diagnosable disorder, holds real implications for families. In my private practice over the last decade, I've witnessed more than a dozen cases of parental alienation, and suspected many more. Additionally, my personal experiences as a child of divorced parents have provided me with unique insights into the impact of such dynamics on individuals.
Understanding parental alienation is crucial before discussing preventive measures. It occurs when one parent encourages their child to unfairly reject the other parent, leading to signs of unwarranted fear, hostility, or disrespect. The child may exhibit contrasting behaviors, emotional responses, and thoughts towards each parent, often without logical reasoning. This phenomenon can occur unintentionally or intentionally, depending on the circ*mstances.
For those facing potential parental alienation, keeping a detailed log of relevant information is a practical step. This log serves as a reference for past comments, concerns, or inappropriate connections, which can later be presented to a qualified therapist for analysis and verification. It's essential to differentiate between normal phases of dislike that children may go through and genuine alienation, underscoring the importance of consulting with a therapist for accurate assessment.
Once parental alienation is confirmed, there are several strategies to counteract its effects:
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Listen to your child: Create a safe space for your child to express their feelings without judgment or pressure. Listening with empathy, without offering immediate solutions, helps counteract the misinformation and manipulation associated with alienation.
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Play with your child: Engage in unstructured play where the child takes the lead. This approach, borrowed from play therapy, allows hidden thoughts and emotions to surface, providing insight and fostering a healing environment distinct from the alienation experience.
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Be patient: Foster an environment free from questions or comments about the other parent at your house. Avoid unintentional alienation by allowing the child to approach you with their concerns. Patience is crucial, as healing from parental alienation may extend over an extended period.
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Minimize drama: Keep household drama to a minimum, providing a calm and supportive environment for the child to rest, heal, and recuperate before returning to a potentially hostile environment.
In conclusion, combating parental alienation requires a comprehensive approach involving communication, emotional support, and creating a safe environment for the child. Through my extensive experience and understanding of these dynamics, I aim to provide valuable insights to those navigating the challenging terrain of parental alienation.
