DEAR MISS MANNERS - How do you tell house guests that you have invited "to stay for a little while" that they have overstayed their welcome? What was supposed to have been a short visit has been extended to a month, possibly two, while my guest looks for a new place to live. This is an annoyance and inconvenience to me.
What should one's actions be when a house guest invites people back to one's home? What should one say to these visitors? "Hello"? "Welcome to my home"? "Would you like to clean up?"None of these comes close to expressing the level of aggravation I feel when I bump into these visitors. I don't feel that the most mannerly conduct would be to respond as I would like to.
GENTLE READER - It is all very well to fantasize about making subtly cutting remarks to strangers, and Miss Manners hopes this relieves your feelings. But as these people neither know nor care who you are, and are aware of no obligation they have incurred toward you, it is futile.
In the meantime, however, you seem to have given away the rights to the use of your house. This is a genuine etiquette emergency that should be attended to at once.
Etiquette does not require you to get into such a situation - you should never have made that original invitation open-ended - and does not require you to put up with it for another minute.
The polite way to say "Clear out of here" is "I'm so sorry that I won't be able to have you here any longer." It is not necessary to say that you are expecting someone else or have come down with smallpox. One does not need an excuse not to share one's house. Just keep insisting that you were glad to have been able to entertain this guest for so long but cannot continue to do so.
DEAR MISS MANNERS - At a small neighborhood holiday party, my wife and I gave each of our friends a lottery ticket, which by the end of the party might have been worth approximately $20 million.
We thought it was a cute idea until a friend expressed discomfort at the prospect of someone actually winning. Would they feel obligated to share the winnings with us and/or others at the party? The situation seems ripe for strained friendships.
Just what is one's social obligation, if any, upon winning a large lottery jackpot when the ticket was a gift? To give the ticket buyer a token share of the winnings? A small gift of appreciation? A new lottery ticket? A thank-you note?
GENTLE READER - One of etiquette's paradoxes is that while one is not supposed to notice the monetary value of any present, the fervency of the gratitude should increase dramatically with the worth. Miss Manners does not feel obliged to make sense of this.
The original thanks for a lottery ticket, which statistically is worth next to nothing, is a smile and the spoken words, "Thank you." The thanks for a ticket that has turned out to be worth $20 million are proportionately greater.
It is not necessary to give the donor of a lottery ticket a percentage of the take, but maniacal exuberance, accompanied by a wild desire to reciprocate to one's benefactor, would be appropriate.
This should be reflected not only in the thank-you letter, but also in the handsomeness of a return present. The desire to celebrate lavishly with those who shared one's happy moment is to be expected, as well. For established millionaires, throwing money around would be vulgar; from brand-new ones, some reckless excitement is expected, and it is better directed at friends than at oneself.
DEAR MISS MANNERS - Weddings are very special, and dates and places seem to be firm months before the event. Is it permissible to send out invitations six weeks before the wedding? This would give family and friends plenty of time to respond and make travel plans, and it would somewhat compensate for poor mail service.
GENTLE READER - Indeed, Miss Manners has decreed that four to six weeks prior to the wedding is proper in this age of scattered families and discounted air fares. The traditionally shorter period assumed that the bride and bridegroom met across the fence between their houses, and the neighbors had been watching the whole courtship from the porch.
C) 1990 United Feature Syndicate Inc.
As a seasoned etiquette expert with a wealth of knowledge in social decorum and interpersonal relations, I understand the nuances of navigating delicate situations with tact and grace. My expertise is rooted in a deep understanding of traditional and contemporary etiquette, enabling me to offer practical advice in a wide range of social scenarios.
Now, let's delve into the concepts discussed in the article:
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Overstaying House Guests:
- The initial mistake lies in making an open-ended invitation. Etiquette dictates that invitations should have a clear timeframe.
- The author suggests that the polite way to ask a guest to leave is by expressing regret about the inability to host them any longer without the need for elaborate excuses.
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Gift-Giving Etiquette (Lottery Tickets):
- The paradox of etiquette is highlighted: one should not focus on the monetary value of a gift, but gratitude should be proportional to the gift's worth.
- When it comes to winning a large lottery jackpot from a gifted ticket, while there's no obligation to share, expressing enthusiastic gratitude and considering an extravagant return present is encouraged.
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Wedding Invitations Timing:
- The article addresses the timing of wedding invitations, emphasizing that in the modern era with scattered families and discounted airfares, sending out invitations four to six weeks before the wedding is considered proper.
- This contrasts with the traditional assumption of shorter notice, reflecting a time when courtships were observed by neighbors from nearby porches.
In summary, the author provides valuable insights into handling overstaying guests with politeness, navigating the social intricacies of lottery winnings, and adapting wedding invitation timelines to contemporary circ*mstances. The advice is grounded in a firm understanding of etiquette, encouraging readers to approach these situations with both courtesy and practicality.
