If you have ever had experience in dealing with a narcissist, you have likely been exposed to the various punishment tactics they use. One common punishment tactic used by the narcissist is the silent treatment. The narcissist will stop communicating with you as a way to re-gain control in a situation they feel they have lost control of. After repeated experiences of being the victim of the silent treatment and other forms of narcissistic abuse, you make the decision to step away from the relationship and go no-contact. However, after going no-contact you worry that you are the narcissist because you are no longer talking to the narcissist just as they would stop talking to you. The narcissist might even accuse you of being the narcissist after you go no-contact. In this blog I will discuss the difference between going no contact and the silent treatment so that you can understand you did the right thing in your choice to go no-contact, and not believe the lies of the narcissist that you are the problem.
First, let’s discuss what the silent treatment is. The silent treatment is passive-aggressive and a form of abuse. Passive-aggressive communication is communication that might appear calm, but the person is expressing their underlying anger in indirect ways. Passive-aggressive communication includes blaming others, avoiding problems, and sarcasm. The intended goal with the silent treatment is to control someone else.
The silent treatment usually occurs after a narcissistic injury and is used to teach you a lesson on what you did and to make you feel as bad as they do. The narcissist is afraid of abandonment and being exposed so they must protect against these possibilities at all costs. The narcissistic injury triggers the need to protect their inner fragile self. By turning on the silent treatment, the narcissist can protect against any further injury while forcing the other person, who is usually empathic and caring, to question what they did wrong and why they are getting the silent treatment.
Non-narcissists don’t think like narcissists. Non-narcissists want to problem solve and resolve issues. The narcissists wants to get the spotlight off them while forcing you to feel insecure. The silent treatment allows the narcissist to refill a supply that had been depleted when the narcissistic injury occurred. At the time of narcissistic injury, the narcissist’s balloon of inflated self-esteem had a needle placed through it, letting out all their supply quickly. The silent treatment is how they patch the hole so they don’t lose more supply, while also refilling their supply when they watch you be uncomfortable or even plead to get back into their life.
After you have endured the narcissistic abuse and are able to make changes in your life, you choose to implement no-contact. When you go no-contact you stop all contact with the narcissist. You no longer contact them, stay friends with them, accept gifts from them, or see them. On the surface, that sounds a lot like the silent treatment the narcissist has given you, right? When you go no contact, you are no longer communicating or seeing the narcissist, so why would that not be considered the silent treatment?
No contact is you setting a boundary to regain control in your life. This is not abusive.
Silent treatment from the narcissist is meant for you to “learn a lesson” and realize how wrong you were to the narcissist. They withhold communication, affection, and anything else they can until they feel you have learned the lesson they are teaching.
No-contact from you, however, is not a lesson for the narcissist. You aren’t going no-contact because you want the narcissist to give into your ways. You have chosen to go no-contact for your sanity. The no-contact is not meant to punish the abuser but to give yourself space to separate from the abusive behaviors of the narcissist.
The narcissist might accuse you of being a narcissist or the abuser because you have gone no contact, but they are projecting. The narcissist is trying to place the blame on you to regain control. The narcissist might even start a smear campaign to tell others YOU are the problem. All these behaviors by the narcissist are continued ways for them to use their abusive tactics. The narcissist comes out of silent treatment when you go no-contact because they see the silent treatment isn’t getting them what they want. Stay strong in your use of no-contact and remember, that no matter how much the narcissist tries to make you out to the be problem, it is just another way in which they play the victim.
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