One of my most popular posts in recent months was on falling in love with a baby who wasn’t mine.Waiting for five months to find out if the little girl I wasslowing falling for would become my daughter or not was one of the hardestseasons of my life. And I certainlymade it much harder on myself---but willingly (and without regret). Why?Because we are an ethical family.
Let me explain.
When I was in grade school, we had a music teacher who wasvery hard to please. We had to preparefor two concerts a year: Christmas andspring. We would practice the songs shehad chosen over and over and over and over again. When we sang, she’d yell, “Sing louder! I cannot hear you!” When we obliged, she would then stop usabruptly, mid-song, and yell, “Stop screaming!”
This went on for years.Years.
We just didn’t know to strike a balance and make the womanhappy. It seemed like no matter what wedid, even when we were collectively attentive and obedient (or so we thought),we were met with disapproval and a scowl.We spent a lot of time just feeling terrified, so I’m certain that wasreflected in our performances.
Essentially, music, which is supposed to moving and magicaland joyful, just wasn’t what I thought it would be.
Each time we adopted, we had learned more and more and moreabout ethics. We learned to lead withour minds, not with our hearts, because as the Bible reminds us, the heart is deceitful above all. Adoption isemotionally draining by nature. It takesa toll on one’s heartstrings, and oftentimes, one’s heart pieces (since many ofus have had heart-shattering moments along the journey). We couldn’t count on our hearts, which leftus too vulnerable and too disillusioned.
Relying on one’s foundation, that of ethics, is truly theway to go. But when doing this, it meantshushing heart whispers and pushing down emotions. That’s not healthy really either,right? I mean, we’re still human!
It goes a little something like this!
Elation: We arematched!
Ethics: Mom has everyright to parent her baby. We will waitand see what happens. We will not getour hopes up. We will stay in ourlane. Respect mom’s space. It’s not our pregnancy. It’s hers.
Elation: Baby wasborn last night!
Ethics: Mom maychoose to parent. That is her decisionto make. We must give her space. We must not claim a baby who isn’t ours. We must not call the baby “our” baby. We must continue to stay in our lane.
Elation: TPR mighthappen today!
Ethics: TPR issomething that is both incredibly hard and sad.The thought of no TPR is also hard and sad. But the sadder/harder is a mom who places whor*ally doesn’t want to. So we still stayin our lane. We remain respectful.
Elation: Baby isours!
Ethics: Mom and babyare now separated, legally. Baby mayexperience feelings of sadness, rejection, loss. Mom may, too.We are trying to bond with our new baby while remaining respectful tomom and keeping our promises.
Do you see it? Tooloud! Too quiet! Too sad!Too happy! Too far away! Too close!Too serious! Too joyful!
It’s hard to find a balance that satisfies both the heartand the mind. The emotions and theethics.
It is very easy to become overwhelmed during a match, duringa birth, post-placement (if the placement happens). You feel like you are the tennis ball in avery strange match, bouncing between two extremes, and expected, despite thatwild game, to always do the right thing, have the correct reaction, and remainsane.
If you have been in this place, or you are in this placenow, know that this is normal. Is itenjoyable to have such a grounding in ethics that you are in a state of walkingthe tight rope for fear of losing balance?No. It is not. It is hard.It is difficult. It is challenging. It is confusing. It is frustrating. It is exhausting.
I implore you to keep going.And when it feels like too much (and it often will), here are somethings you can do:
1: Take it one stepat a time. I know this sounds cliché,but sometimes the future is too big and unknown and unpredictable for you tomake big plans. What is the nextdecision? Take that on. Then go to the next, and the next, and thenext.
2: Take a break. It’s hard to take a step back when you’re inthe midst of trying to stay balanced.But moving positions (taking that step back) gives you freshperspectives, rejuvenation, and space to breathe and just be. Remember that Bible verse where we’recommanded to “be still” and know our place?
3: Take onchange. Remaining stagnant IS adecision, and it does have consequences.You can either create the change or be part of demanded change. As a type A control freak, I want to be thechange. The initiator. The decider.
4: Take theopportunity to experience the joy that comes with change. Whether there’s a change in your opennesswith your child’s birth family, a change in your openness to adoptionsituations, or change in the way you educate yourself on adoption, there is joyto be had. It’s there waiting to bediscovered. So many of us fear change,seeing it as our enemy, when really, change offers gifts that only come withembracing rather than shutting out.Change is inevitable anyway, so why not go forth in joy?
There is no guidebook on how to strike a perfectbalance. Each adoption is sodifferent. Each person isdifferent. You can remain forevercommitted to ethics in adoption and still have a heart.
Wherever you are today, you will not betomorrow, because being ethics is an upward journey of empathy, humility, andstrength. And at the very heart ofeverything is a precious child, one who is relying on the adults in thesituation to make the best choices possible.
You can do this. Youhave done this. Just sing a littlelouder, or a little quieter, whatever is best.
