Day 366: Anxiety part 3: Money (2024)

So I had some experiences today where I was networking with some business people who were very oriented around the point of money and making money. It was a very challenging experience in that there were a lot of reactions to them, the way they behaved, what I could see from their words about their starting point and interests. It was an invaluable experience in that I am able to learn a lot from my own reactions as well as their mistakes, as my reactions are a reflection of the ways in which I share the same starting points, beliefs and behaviors as them. Where am I making the same mistakes?

This brings me to the money point, which I have mentioned in previous blogs about anxiety, as it is one of the most prominent points in my life that creates my overall experience of myself which is anxiety, anxiousness and nervousness.

So what were my reactions today? Basically, I reacted negatively to what I observed as greed in others, and being oriented around purely making money for the sake of self interest and personal success, while giving fake lip service to ideals of ‘doing it for the good of all’ and ‘giving back’ and stuff like that. Now obviously there were moments were I myself got excited about the prospect of making money and becoming better at making money. Why would that excite me and give me a mental energetic experience? I mean if I did not have a relationship to money that was just self serving, would I have those kind of energetically charge reactions? Or would I just see it as another practical part of life, like learning how to sew or how to garden? Like sewing or gardening, money serves the purpose of creating something. So as with many things in life, the point of money has to be redefined in my own mind in terms of a practical point that is in fact what is best for all life and not self serving – otherwise I will be no better than those who I see and react to as being bullsh*tters.

So the issue of how I define money comes down to who I am – what I accept and allow myself to be and live. Money is a point of access to resources and serves as a point of power as the ability to move and direct things in this world. When I say the word power, this is not implying any positive or negative connotations and rather just means purely the ability and capability to direct. You can really do a lot with money in this world as it buys virtually anything except self honesty. So depending on who I accept and allow myself to be, depending on what my starting point is, money can either be very dangerous in my hands, or very useful as a tool for change and support for a better world.

When money is not used in a way that is best for all as practical tool as a means to an end, what am I using it for? Nothing but my own ego. I sometimes wonder if I sabotaged myself from ever making too much because what is the use of having a lot of money if it is just in the name of ego? It really just becomes a tool for accelerated self-destruction in that context.

When the drive to get money is self interested, there will always be a distinct energetic charge to this drive – even if it is positive. This is part of what I reacted to today, was seeing that the positive energetic charge around making money was fake and actually quite nasty in it’s core, so it is really just a swindle. I noticed how people became self absorbed, pushy and really just not interested in anything real but getting that money. We can always fool ourselves too that apparently we are making money for the greater good, but as I mentioned with regards to the point of making money being either energetically charged, or just a practical means to an end, the ‘proof will always be in the pudding’ in a person’s behavior. When you establish principles of self honesty and equality within yourself and really do the work to dig deep and see what really matters in life, then you start to be able to tell the difference between whether a person gives a crap or not in their behavior and the way they speak.

Am I sharing an understanding that is best for all? Or am I just trying to convince people? Am I really trying to inform and educate people in a way that will benefit them? Or am I just giving them useless information that will get them to conform to do what I want them to do and think in ways that will benefit me? Am I really making money from something that has real value by assessing what is my real value and what is that real value that I want to share with ad bring to everyone else?

In the next blog I will continue to look at what are some of the secret desires that I have associated with making money that are based in self interest, and how I am able to re-define the point of money by redefining my starting point for my very existence and reason to have any power and station in this world.