Disagreements can be a healthy part of arelationship. No two people are alike and, therefore, we will not always see things the same way. When we disagree, we have the opportunity to express our needs and show our partners how we feel. When we talk about how we see things, we need to use things from the present moment. Avoid bringing up the past in arguments.
Bringing Up The Past In Arguments Does More Harm Than Good
Many people feel that referencing the past, and their hurt will give them a better result in the present disagreement. But, bringing up the past can quickly cause an escalating argument. Trying to recall the past accurately is prone to errors. Over time we easily alter memories. It is human nature to do so. The dispute over telling what you remember as past truth will escalate. Both of you will end up hurting each other verbally and emotionally as you try to win.
Bringing up the past can cause your partner to feel attacked and frustrated. They, in turn, will try to defend themselves. As emotions rise, all logic goes out of the window. No emotionally charged argument has ever managed to resolve anything in the heat of the moment.
If It Is Necessary To Bring Up The Past, You Must Be Very Careful of How You Do It
As you discuss past events, focus on your partner’s feelings. Let them ask questions and answer them as best as you can without shutting them down. You should ask questions about what happened in the past if your partner was involved in the event. Doing so will allow you to connect with them on a personal level. As you do this, you will discover that your relationship grows stronger. You will understand what motivates them and why they behave the way they do.
Focus on What is Happening Now Instead of Bring Up The Past
Try to stay focused on what is happening now. By avoiding bringing up the past, you will instead give them the chance to voice their opinion about the current situation without feeling that they must defend themselves and, in turn, attack you personally.
Arguments spiral out of control as we become more and more emotionally involved. The higher the emotion, the lower the degree of logic that exists in the argument. The result is that everyone gets hurt.
What If I need to Bring Up The Past
While it is important to avoid bringing up the past, it can be equally important not to disregard an older issue completely. If we are talking about a relationship that has suffered deterioration, it may be necessary to discuss some of the areas that have led to this deterioration.
Importantly if the two of you have resolved some of the issues that caused the relationship to deteriorate, share that.
By bringing up some of the victories from the past, you are putting the current issues to rest for a while and recognising that you can resolve issues. Also realising your past achievements is a powerful builder of self-belief that cannot be applied to finding solutions for your current problems.
After fully resolving any issues in the relationship that led to the deterioration, you must not bring up the past in any way. This will only make you and your partner look as if you want to focus on the pain instead of working towards your future goals for the relationship.
Only focus on a problem long enough to find a solution.
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The article you provided delves into the dynamics of disagreements within relationships and emphasizes the importance of handling conflicts with care. Let's break down the key concepts discussed in the article:
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Disagreements in Relationships:
- The article acknowledges that disagreements are a natural and healthy aspect of any relationship.
- It emphasizes the uniqueness of individuals, highlighting that no two people will always see things the same way.
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Avoiding Bringing Up the Past in Arguments:
- The central argument is against referencing past events during disagreements.
- It argues that bringing up the past can escalate an argument, as memories are prone to errors and can be altered over time.
- Emotional involvement in such arguments is highlighted as counterproductive, as logic tends to diminish in the heat of the moment.
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Handling Past Issues Carefully When Necessary:
- If it becomes necessary to discuss past issues, the article advises focusing on your partner's feelings.
- Questions about the past should be answered thoughtfully without shutting down communication.
- The emphasis is on understanding your partner on a personal level to strengthen the relationship.
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Importance of Focusing on the Present:
- The article encourages staying focused on the current situation during disagreements.
- By avoiding bringing up the past, partners can express their opinions without feeling attacked or the need to defend themselves.
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Recognition of Past Achievements:
- In the context of relationship deterioration, the article suggests discussing past victories after resolving issues.
- Recognizing past achievements serves as a powerful builder of self-belief and contributes to resolving current problems.
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Communication as the Backbone of Relationships:
- The article concludes by highlighting the essential role of communication in relationships.
- It suggests that communication skills can be learned and applied throughout life.
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Promotion of Relationship Counselling:
- The article promotes relationship counselling, emphasizing its role in rebuilding relationships and enhancing communication skills.
- It offers a complimentary 15-minute phone session with experienced counsellors to explore how counselling can positively impact relationships.
In summary, the article provides valuable insights into the delicate balance of handling disagreements, avoiding the pitfalls of bringing up the past, and the crucial role of effective communication in maintaining strong and healthy relationships.
