APR. 30, 2018
By Brianna Johnson
Self-abandonment is a strange concept. How can you abandon yourself when you are always with you? If you're well-schooled in the world of self-development, you may have an educated guess at what self-abandonment is: It's when you don't support yourself, right? Kind of.
Essentially, self-abandonment is when you reject, suppress or ignore part of yourself in real-time. In other words, you have a need or desire you want to meet, and (often on the spot) you make the decision not to meet it.
Example A: Jen comes home from a long, exhausting work week and is looking forward to resting. A friend calls, asking if she can come over to vent about her difficult relationship. While Jen knows what she wants, she still reluctantly tells her friend to come over.
Example B: Kyle is interested in studying a particular style of art that has excited him for years. But his friends poke fun at him, saying it's a waste of time. Kyle despondently never enrolls in art class, despite his genuine interest.
In both cases, these individuals value the needs and opinions of others more than they value their own. They have an initial trajectory they are fairly certain about, but they abandon it as soon as they are “pressured” by others.
In a self-abandoner's mind, the belief that their needs and desires either cannot be met or should not be met is a strong one. This belief leads to a continuous process of detachment, as the self-abandoner repeatedly makes decisions to ignore, repress or condemn their personal needs. Over time, they might even forget or lose the ability to identify their own needs.
This is a tough pattern that can lead in many negative directions. It can take us so far away from who we are that we find ourselves in a pattern of people-pleasing, settling or neglecting ourselves. Before long, our personal identities might even feel hazy. So, how can we move out of this pattern?
At its core, self-abandonment typically arises from a lack of self-trust. So, the fundamental solution to self-abandonment is self-trust and making a commitment to yourself. Anything that involves self-care, self-exploration or asserting yourself is a step in the right direction. Another part might be learning to handle peer pressure (yes, just like in high school!).
Here are two questions you can apply to any situation to determine if you are operating from self-abandonment:
- "For what reason am I making this decision?" If the answer involves guilt, shame, fear, timidity or generally negative emotions, you might be in abandonment mode.
- "If I were the only person on earth, would I still want to do ___?" This removes other people's influence from your decision-making and frees you up to determine how you actually feel.
Remember: There's no quick-and-easy solution. We don't become self-abandoners from one decision, so we won’t change after one positive experience. Eventually, you’ll create a reservoir of experiences in which you trusted yourself and things worked out. With those in mind, you won’t default to self-abandonment. With those in mind, self-trust will come more naturally.
A mental health counseling grad student, Brianna runs ExistBetter.co, a blog that explores the nitty gritty of mental illness and self-development.
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FAQs
This chronic behaviour has lots of signs and symptoms: Saying “yes” when you really want to say “no” Putting your needs last to avoid disappointing others. Giving up on promises and commitments you make to yourself.
What are self-abandoning behaviors? ›
Put simply, the term self-abandonment refers to a set of self-destructive behaviours. It is a rejection of your own thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires, in favour of the ones of other people. They are usually learned behaviours that stem from childhood and can negatively affect your mental health.
How does a person with abandonment issues act? ›
Common signs of abandonment issues include: Giving too much or being overly eager to please. Jealousy in your relationship or of others. Trouble trusting your partner's intentions.
Why do I have abandonment issues if I was never abandoned? ›
Fear of abandonment can come from an anxious attachment style or early childhood trauma. It is also a feature of some mental health conditions, such as borderline personality disorder (BPD).
What is the root of self-abandonment? ›
What causes self-abandonment? Unhealthy patterns during childhood often lead to self-abandonment. If you had parents or other influential adults in your childhood who neglected your needs and emotions (or even abandoned you in some way), it may cause you to feel unworthy and lead to self-abandonment as you get older.
What are the 4 stages of abandonment? ›
Development of abandonment trauma follows the following five stages:
- Shattering. You may feel confused, devastated, shocked, and in pain. ...
- Withdrawal. Whether your loved one was good or bad, you still struggle with withdrawal symptoms. ...
- Internalizing. ...
- Rage. ...
- Lifting.
It can happen because of traumatic experiences, fear, anxiety or environmental or genetic causes. People often learn self-abandonment behaviors to protect themselves from harm or embarrassment, but they can lose out on their dreams, hopes and ambitions as a consequence.
Are people with abandonment issues controlling? ›
Not always, but sometimes, those who develop abandonment issues use manipulative or controlling behaviors to get others to stay.
What do abandonment issues look like in a woman? ›
Women with abandonment issues may scare potential partners, driving them away with needing too much closeness, but they may also keep viable partners at bay, not allowing them to get too close, feeling uncomfortable with the monotony of a healthy relationship, they may unwittingly sabotage connections, recreating their ...
What do people with abandonment issues want? ›
Someone with abandonment issues often wants to know that they're not going to be left behind. They may try to sway the conversation so that you're constantly affirming and comforting them. For example, they may say things like, “I know that you're not really that into me” or “I can tell that you pity me.”
People with borderline personality disorder fear rejection and abandonment, partly because they do not want to be alone. Doctors diagnose borderline personality disorder based on specific symptoms, including frequent changes in relationships, self-image, and mood as well as self-destructive, impulsive behavior.
How does abandonment show up in adulthood? ›
Traumatic experiences related to abandonment in adulthood can have an adverse effect on adult relationships. Adults who fear abandonment are more likely to self-sabotage and may struggle to trust others.
Why did I develop abandonment issues? ›
It's often caused by something traumatic happening in your past such as death of or being deserted by a parent or caregiver; neglect; feeling rejected by your peers; or being left suddenly by a romantic partner.”
How do you fix self abandonment? ›
Understanding you:
- Speak to someone you trust. A therapist can help you untangle your past and make sense of who you are and why you learned to abandon yourself. ...
- Take the time to explore what you want, think and need. ...
- Go through your current list of relationships.
Self-abandonment: Rejecting, suppressing, or ignoring part(s) of yourself – needs/ wants/ limits/ boundaries in order to do something like maintaining a relationship or getting people to like you. This chronic behaviour has lots of signs and symptoms: Saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”
What does self abandonment feel like? ›
Self-abandonment can be understood as the rejection of your own thoughts, feelings and needs. Self-abandonment occurs when we experience an emotion that requires our attention, and we ignore it by reaching for an external distraction.
What does self-abandoning look like? ›
Self-abandonment: Rejecting, suppressing, or ignoring part(s) of yourself – needs/ wants/ limits/ boundaries in order to do something like maintaining a relationship or getting people to like you. This chronic behaviour has lots of signs and symptoms: Saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”
What does self-abandonment feel like? ›
Self-abandonment can be understood as the rejection of your own thoughts, feelings and needs. Self-abandonment occurs when we experience an emotion that requires our attention, and we ignore it by reaching for an external distraction.
What are the signs of self-abandonment in a relationship? ›
Examples of self-abandonment:
People-pleasing seeking validation from others, suppressing your needs and interests in order to please others. Hiding parts of yourself – giving up your interests and goals, not sharing your feelings.
What is it called when you abandon yourself? ›
Self-abandonment is what is called when we neglect ourselves: we do not act in ways that are in our best interest, we do not value ourselves, and we do not practice self-care.
