Many Ohio State students are making the crucial transition from on to off campus this year. Maybe this describes you. You probably have a few questions. Maybe you’re anxious about fostering a sense of community in a new environment, or wonder how you’ll maintain a solid GPA living in a building unsuffused with the academic aura most dorms have just by virtue of being near the library. But whether you’re making the move to a chic, hundred-or-so square foot studio apartment or to a beautiful, dilapidated Victorian right next to the f*cking Theta Tau f*cking f*cks who never invite me to their f*cking keggers, there’s invariably one question burning a buckeye-sized hole through your appropriately scarlet and gray colored brain tissue: does my hot landlord like-like me?
To caveat this list, I should mention that your hot landlord might not exhibit many of these signs immediately. Landlords, first and foremost, are a lot like you and me. They crave real human connection. Intimacy, a herculean task even under the best of circ*mstances, is impossible without authenticity. Thus, landlords gravitate towards people who they sense are being their authentic selves; the little quirks that make you you can be incredibly attractive to landlords. You may catch his attention with so much as a day-late check, for instance, or your eclectic Spotify playlist played four decibels too loud. Your more laidback approach or cool taste in music will definitely make any landlord worth his salt start crushing hardcore, but your true personality can often be difficult to convey in the beginning phases of a relationship. So, if your hot landlord doesn’t instantly ask for your Snapchat or check in on you without advance notice or just cause, take a deep breath and don’t panic. Eventually, your landlord will recognize your uniqueness and individuality, and do everything he possibly can to be a presence in your life. A fun trust building
exercise to jumpstart your budding romance is to mix up the print name and signature lines on your lease contract! Still, this is only a fun, minor suggestion, and the real key here is patience. It will happen for you and your hot landlord. So without further ado:
1. He Makes Flirtatious Jokes
Taking a tour is the first step with your hot landlord, and this tour may set the stage for a rapid fire exchange of pithy banter and suggestive remarks. It will be hard to say goodbye to campus living, but you heard that that tenth mile of land separating the Lincoln and Morrill towers opens up a portal to hell if you ride a bike with a wicker basket over it, and who wants to chance that. Most importantly, listen close to what your landlord says during the tour: is he constantly making references to the bedroom? Where sex happens? Or the bathroom? Where sex happens? Or
the garbage disposal unit under the sink? Where sex happens?! This means your landlord is testing the waters, gauging your interest.
2. He Wants to Get to Know You
Upon first meet cute, your hot landlord peppers you with questions. He may ask why you want to move. You may cite your status as a student, and, transitively, your desire to be close to the weirdly erotic solid bronze William Oxley Thompson statue. This is boilerplate, and not indicative of any butterfly-cannibalizing-butterfly Titanic type love. If he continues asking questions, however, he might be catching feelings. Look out for questions like, “Do you have pets?” Or “Are you willing to pay the $35 application fee upfront?” If he’s delving into the nitty gritty of your personal life, this is out of genuine attraction to you. Nothing says let’s settle down like an expressed interest in your animals, who provide invaluable emotional support for you amidst unprecedented stress and economic precarity. He just wants to care about what you care about, and would never extort these intimate life details for profit.
3. He Plays Hard to Get
You’ll probably feel demoralized if you’re receiving mixed signals. You may submit multiple service requests to your hot landlord, whose response is vital to your bodily well-being, without hearing back. I’d encourage you not to take this at face value. Your landlord is likely trying to pique your curiosity by creating a sense of aloofness or unavailability. At this point, you may want to spend all your free time with your hot landlord, waxing poetic about toxigenic mold or the noticeable lack of hot water in your home, but keep in mind that your landlord’s unresponsiveness is not because he doesn’t think you’re ultra bangable. Just take a cold shower (what other kind is there?) and continue to engage in one-sided conversation about the black mold recreating an outline of the Philippines on your drywall.
4. He Gets Jealous of Your Friends
Is your hot landlord constantly monitoring if you have guests over? Maybe he doesn’t like it when you have a friend over for game night, even when you’re conscientious of social distancing, noise level, and litter unlike the heathen bastard Thetas? This is a promising development. Your landlord likely believes your social butterflying will conflict with spending quality time together, and wants to communicate this desire without seeming too needy. Although jealousy shouldn’t be the driving force in a relationship, it’s a pretty good indicator that your landlord is smurtzing
up on you at Pam and Jim levels of epic romance.
5. He Likes Surprising You
Ultimately, the best relationships result from adaptability. Whether this is switching up restaurants on date night or your landlord checking in on you without 24 hours’ notice despite its total illegality in the state of Ohio, you might discover that new love thrives on unpredictability. So, try a new cuisine, like French or Ethiopian, and live with a constant low-level humming of anxiety that your landlord might violate your privacy at any second. But, you know, in a hot way.
6. He Appreciates Your Natural Beauty
Unfortunately, we’re barraged daily with unattainable beauty standards by the media. Normal, healthy features of the human body like body hair, acne, and cellulite are, as a result, stigmatized. If you don’t depilate, spend hundreds of dollars on expensive creams and astringents, or squat inexorably as you pretend not to notice the RPAC deafeningly broadcast Reel 2 Real’s “I Like to Move It” from the seminal Madagascar soundtrack (c. 2005), you’re seen as less than. A landlord who truly loves you doesn’t want to see you engage in self-loathing practices that perpetuate distorted notions of beauty and health. Some naively suggest that people, namely, women, simply boycott these industries and stop getting plastic surgery or wearing makeup. Meanwhile, your hot landlord understands that this is a superficial solution, and that true self-love begins with the disavowal of basic hygiene and grooming. Your landlord may express his love for your natural beauty by threatening to shut off your utilities, apropos of nothing, as you habitually jeopardize your safety to make living wages. Because he knows that true body positivity means not showering, thereby fully accepting the way you were made. Your landlord thinks the real you is beautiful, and wants to dismantle the patriarchal Big Water. If that doesn’t scream gif of Ross and Rachel making out over the incompetence of American Airlines or something—never watched, personally—then I don’t know what does. If this sixth subtle sign describes your landlord, he’s a feminist king af.
7. He Hires an Eviction Lawyer and Files a Complaint in Court. He Wins, Inhumanely Displacing You from Your Rightful Home During the Biggest Health Crisis in Living Memory.
They did this one on The Bachelorette, I think. Go Bucks!
Written by Lauren Wright, Contributor
Related
As an expert in interpersonal dynamics and human behavior, particularly in the context of living arrangements and relationships, I bring a wealth of knowledge to dissect the nuances embedded in the article you've shared. My expertise is grounded in psychology, social interactions, and the subtle cues that indicate attraction and connection.
The author, Lauren Wright, humorously explores the potential romantic undertones between a tenant and their "hot landlord." While the tone is light-hearted, it cleverly touches upon several psychological concepts that underpin human relationships. Let's delve into the various aspects mentioned in the article:
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Authenticity and Connection:
- The article suggests that landlords are drawn to authentic individuals, emphasizing the importance of being genuine in establishing connections.
- The recognition of unique traits and quirks in a person is highlighted as attractive to landlords.
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Flirtatious Behavior:
- The author discusses how flirtatious jokes during a property tour might indicate a landlord's interest.
- The emphasis on specific areas of the living space, such as the bedroom, is humorously presented as a potential indicator of romantic interest.
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Getting to Know You:
- The article notes that a landlord's interest extends beyond basic information, such as asking about pets or financial aspects.
- Genuine curiosity about personal details is portrayed as a sign of emotional investment.
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Playing Hard to Get:
- The author suggests that a landlord's unresponsiveness may be a deliberate attempt to create a sense of mystery or desirability.
- The importance of not misinterpreting this behavior as a lack of interest is emphasized.
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Jealousy:
- The article suggests that a landlord's jealousy regarding the tenant's social life could indicate a deeper emotional connection.
- It underlines the delicate balance between healthy expressions of concern and possessiveness.
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Surprises and Adaptability:
- The concept of adaptability and unpredictability in a relationship is explored, with examples such as trying new things together.
- The humor revolves around the unconventional nature of a landlord checking in without notice, drawing attention to the fine line between romantic gestures and privacy concerns.
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Appreciation for Natural Beauty:
- The article humorously tackles societal beauty standards and suggests that a landlord appreciating one's natural state is a sign of true love.
- It satirically presents the idea of rejecting traditional norms in favor of self-love and acceptance.
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Unexpected Turn:
- The final point takes a dramatic turn, humorously exaggerating the potential consequences of misreading signs and signals in a landlord-tenant relationship.
- This unexpected twist adds a comedic element and contrasts with the preceding points.
In summary, the article skillfully weaves humor with insights into human relationships, showcasing an understanding of psychological and social dynamics. The exploration of attraction, communication, and the complexities of personal connections makes for an engaging and entertaining read.
