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Your ex texts you out of nowhere and asks how you are doing. She tells you she misses you, and you don't hear from her again until months later. You may have been breadcrumbed.
Breadcrumbing is when a person gives you enough attention to "string you along" or makes you think they are interested in you. They will pop into your life and then disappear just as quickly. This behavior can make you feel hopeful but then confused and hurt.
Breadcrumbing can be a typical behavior of narcissists and other toxic people. Breadcrumbing is usually done through a low-effort text or direct message. The narcissist may breadcrumb with future faking, vaguely referring to some plan for the two of you in the future that will never materialize. Then they seem to cut off contact with you. You may wonder if you said something wrong or blame yourself. On the contrary, this dropoff of communication isn't about you at all—the narcissist probably got their ego needs met and then moved on.
Narcissists seem to breadcrumb you when you think you are feeling like yourself again—you feel you have broken free and are rebuilding your life. Narcissists may breadcrumb you right after the relationship ends or even years later. Breadcrumbing is usually about narcissists soothing their ego so they don't have to face feelings of inadequacy.
Why else would a narcissist breadcrumb you? Continue reading.
It Keeps You in "Rotation"
It gives narcissists comfort that you are still willing to communicate with them. They tend to keep a "rotation" of ex-partners and ex-friends they can contact when they need an ego boost. Every once in a while, they will ensure that rotation is kept fresh by seeing who responds to their messages. They then "file" you away for when you become useful to them again.
It Keeps Them on Your Mind
One of a toxic person's worst fears is to have someone ignore them or not think of them. They know they have thrown you off when they reach out to you seemingly out of nowhere. They know that they now reside in your thoughts. This gives them an ego boost and a feeling of power. Just the idea that they are on your mind is enough for them to have a reprieve from feelings of emptiness. Their goal is to stop feeling a narcissistic void.
They Need Something From You
Narcissists will contact you as if nothing terrible happened during your relationship. They will be friendly and charismatic. Then you discover why they contacted you—they want something from you. They may know you can get them tickets to an event, or they need your help with something at their house. They don't start with their request, but they may have breadcrumbed you long-term with flattery and then months later hit you up with how you can be useful to them. If you say no, they may fly into a narcissistic rage.
It Soothes Them After Losing Narcissistic Supply
Narcissists must have a "supply" available to them. They may move on quickly to another relationship or have been cheating with multiple partners. Narcissistic supply isn't always in the form of a person. Narcissists may derive a large part of their identities from their jobs. If work isn't going well or they have been fired, they may start spiraling. If their ego takes a hit, they can experience narcissistic injury. Knowing that you are still out there and are willing to respond to them can temporarily soothe feelings of emptiness.
- What Is Breadcrumbing?
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It's Easier to Go Back to Old Supply
It's less work for a narcissist to return to old supply (like an ex-partner) than to find new supply. Seeking new supply means the narcissist has a chance of being rejected. It also means the narcissist must keep their "mask" when interacting with new supply. The new supply may leave if the narcissist reveals who they are too early in the relationship. If they know an ex-partner tolerated their pathological behavior, at least to some degree, they assume the same will be true if they reconnect. They are weighing the chances of you being their next supply by breadcrumbing you.
How to Respond to Breadcrumbing
One of the best ways to respond to breadcrumbing is by doing nothing. Don't respond to any attempts to contact you. Please write down why you no longer want contact with this person and how they made you feel. Now block this person's phone number, email, and social media accounts. Block any access to you.
Breadcrumbing Essential Reads
Why and How We Fall Victim to Breadcrumbers
4 Ways to Handle a Breadcrumber
This is easier said than done. Cutting someone off can be painful if you have a trauma bond with them. If you have children with this person, going no-contact may not be an option. However, going low-contact might be feasible.
The more time passes without this person dropping in on your life, the better you will feel. Talk with a licensed mental health professional if you feel confused or devastated by this person's interference.
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To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
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FAQs
Breadcrumbing is when a person gives someone just enough attention to "string them along." The purpose of breadcrumbing for a narcissist is to give them an ego boost. Responding to breadcrumbing signals that one is available for "narcissistic supply."
How does a narcissist act when they want to break up? ›
Blame It on You
A narcissist will commonly try to incite guilt and shame. They may spin the narrative to blame their partner for why the relationship failed. This maintains their grandiose perception of themselves and gives them the leverage to try and convince others to empathize with them.
How to respond to narcissist breadcrumbing? ›
Make note of how they're bread crumbing you and the reason you believe why and send it to them they'll leave you alone. Don't let them tell you they will take you out and they don't. Don't let them call or come pick you up when they feel like it. Write them all the promises they made and write it to them.
What hurts a narcissist ex the most? ›
- Narcissists are deeply hurt when you leave and find peace without them.
- They possess a strong desire to hold onto you, yet they struggle to let you go. ...
- Narcissists experience considerable pain when they are not the center of attention.
- Any instance where others receive more recognition than them is unbearable.
What Happens When You Ignore a Breadcrumber? In some cases, the breadcrumber might notice your lack of response and decide to increase their efforts to regain your attention. They might send more frequent messages, be more attentive, or even try to initiate deeper conversations.
When a narcissist breadcrumbs you? ›
Breadcrumbing is when a person gives you enough attention to “string you along” or makes you think they are interested in you. They will pop into your life and then disappear just as quickly. This behavior can make you feel hopeful but then confused and hurt.
When the narcissist realises you are not coming back? ›
They believe they can control everyone, so they don't think you'll never come back. They'll get a clear message that you won't be back when: You completely cut off contact. This means they can't see you, whether in person or on social media.
What narcissists do after a breakup? ›
On the other hand, research shows that narcissists are especially likely to blame another person for a mutually caused failure and respond to social rejection with outsized anger and aggression. Narcissists also tend to see themselves as superior to other people, including their romantic partners.
How does a narcissist end a relationship? ›
1. Discarding and devaluation: Narcissists may abruptly end the relationship without warning or explanation, devaluing their partner and making them feel unworthy. 2. Blame-shifting: They often deflect responsibility for the breakup onto their partner, making them feel at fault for the relationship's failure.
How do you outsmart breadcrumbers? ›
According to Psychology Today, there are three steps you should take when responding to breadcrumbing in a relationship.
- Be direct and call them out. Don't let the behavior go unrecognized. ...
- Communicate your expectations and set strong boundaries. ...
- Remember your worth and know when it's time to move on.
"People who breadcrumb do it to boost their own ego. They do not care about other people's feelings. It does not mean there is something wrong with you or that you aren't good enough," says Panganiban.
What is an example of breadcrumbing texts? ›
Breadcrumbing examples:
Sending memes via text or social media with no other communication. Texting frequently but not really getting to know each other. Making ambiguous plans with you that never seem to pan out. One day they seem totally into you, and the next they can't be found.
What annoys a narcissist ex? ›
Avoid giving them an emotional reaction.
Act as boring, uninteresting, and mild-mannered as possible. They'll get bored and irritated when they realize you have nothing to offer them and that they can't get a rise out of you.
Do narcissists obsess over an ex? ›
Yes, a narcissist can become obsessed with an ex who keeps them blocked. The rejection from the ex-partner serves as a trigger to their fragile egos, and it can make them feel unworthy, unlovable, and insignificant [1]. When a narcissist is blocked by their ex, it can be a blow to their sense of control and power.
What hurt a narcissist forever? ›
So, if you want to hurt a narcissist, you need to go for the jugular and hit them at the Diamond level. Exposing them to the people they respect, try to impress, or look good to will hurt more than indifference, no doubt about it. Remember that there is no better day than today to start negotiating your best life.
What is the psychology of breadcrumbing? ›
Breadcrumbing refers to a form of manipulation — whether intentional or not — involving one person “feigning interest and acting as though they feel sincerely interested and invested in a relationship with another person when they are not,” said Dr.
What makes a narcissist stalk you? ›
Narcissists stalk you when they start running out of options. If they've convinced themselves that you've moved on with someone else, they might want to see if that's true. They might also be curious about what you're getting up to without them.
Do breadcrumbers know they are breadcrumbing? ›
According to Ajjan, insecurity and loneliness can lead people to breadcrumb without even realizing they're doing it. These people need multiple "relationships" to boost their self-esteem, and they tend to convince themselves they aren't doing anything wrong.
Why does a narcissist keep baiting me? ›
A narcissist will use baiting to keep their narcissistic supply in place. In the case of hoovering, their intention is not just to provoke you, but also to have you back in their life. Narcissists use hoovering to exert power and garner an emotional reaction in their victims.
