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For being just a measly piece of paper, money sure does have immense power attached to it. What’s funny, though, is that it was exactly us who gave it value, and it was us who somehow decided to trade goods for colorful pieces of linen and cotton. Don’t you think it is time we scale down the power that currency has over us…? And while this is an interesting question, pondering on it isn’t exactly why we’ve gathered here today. In fact, the purpose of this summit is the exact opposite - not to contemplate deep questions but rather lightheartedly laugh at them. So, let us present to you our compendium of only the most hilarious money jokes. While laughing at them won’t make us richer in the literal sense, the laughter itself might enrich your day and lift up your spirits.
So, these currency jokes will definitely laugh at the preposterous power money holds over us, and these silly jokes will spare no coin with their clever wordplays. Some of them will gently mock the owner’s spending habits, while others will adore money’s buying capacity. No grind will be left uninsulted, and no unfair earning unmentioned. Basically, these cool jokes will do everything to make money seem like the thing it actually is - just a piece of paper or a coin. Also, a nice material for comedy gold!
Are you ready for these ground-breaking, laughter-inducing, and cliche-smashing money jokes? If so, then scroll on down below to meet them! Once you are there, give the best jokes your vote and share this article with your friends.
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#1
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
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Jaron de rooij Jaron de rooij Community Member Follow
True do
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#2
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it." – Bob Hope
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Suzanne Haigh Suzanne Haigh Community Member Follow
But only if you can prove who you are in the UK by, passport from any country, immigration papers, refugee status etc...
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#3
What would you name it if you took an exam about bad puns on how to scam money from people? It'd be called a pun-ching con-test.
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#4
Did you hear about an ATM that got addicted to money? Heard it was suffering from withdrawals.
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#5
Uber lost over a billion dollars in the last six months so they're asking their drivers to check between the seat cushions.
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#6
Where does Dracula store his money? Probably in the blood bank.
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#7
A girl asks her mother "How old are you?" Her mother replied "Older than most mortgages."
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#8
I need a new bank account. This one has run out of money.
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#9
Money talks... but all mine ever says is goodbye.
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Suzanne Haigh Suzanne Haigh Community Member Follow
My favourite
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#10
What did one penny say to the other penny? Let’s get together and make some cents.
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Scott Crowell Scott Crowell Community Member Follow
HA I laughed until I was centless.
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#11
What is brown and has a head and a tail, but no legs? A penny.
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#12
Money isn’t everything, but it definitely keeps you in touch with your children.
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Suzanne Haigh Suzanne Haigh Community Member Follow
This is so true
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#13
What did the bird say when it bought a one dollar sweater? Cheap cheap.
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#14
A couple got married at a credit union but no one showed up. Low interest.
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#15
Why did the woman put her money in her freezer? Because she wanted some cold hard cash.
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Jaron de rooij Jaron de rooij Community Member Follow
But what if you want warm cash....
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#16
What type of money do crabs pay their bills with? Sand dollars.
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Scott Crowell Scott Crowell Community Member Follow
I don't think Mr. Krabs takes those at the Krusty Krab. I could be wrong
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#17
Nothing says 'I love my dog' quite like spending more money on his haircut than you do your own.
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#18
Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.
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Suzanne Haigh Suzanne Haigh Community Member Follow
Good, very good
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#19
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
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#20
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work.
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#21
Borrow money from pessimists, they don’t expect it back.
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#22
I now know why I used to love Christmas as a child. I did not have to pay for the gifts!
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#23
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open? Because she expected some change in the weather.
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#24
Why do goalkeepers have so much money in the bank? Because they are really good at saving.
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#25
If marriage is grand, then what is divorce? Ten grand!
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#26
"Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money." – Jackie Mason
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#27
Never lend money to a friend. It’s dangerous. It could damage his memory.
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#28
Where did the frog put his money? It's in the river bank.
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#29
Why do people say that if we want to get rich, we should keep our mouths shut? Probably because silence is supposed to be gold.
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#30
Where do polar bears go to keep their money safe? In snowbanks.
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#31
Why did the robbers take a bath before they were going to steal from the bank? Because they wanted to make clean getaway.
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#32
What did the Dollars name their daughter? They named her Penny.
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#33
Why did everyone warn the man when he said he wanted to invest all his money into a whipped cream factory? Because they all thought it was a huge whisk.
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#34
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
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The Cute Cat The Cute Cat Community Member Follow
You must be a bee.. so stingy..
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#35
I don't mean to brag but I'm helping a Nigerian Prince with a pretty serious financial matter. I can't really talk about it.
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#36
"The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream." – Bill Murray
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#37
"I’m actually not sure how much money I have. But I do know how many pounds of money I have." – Ron Swanson
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#38
What’s another name for long-term investment? A failed short term investment!
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#39
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.
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#40
Why wasn't the dead woman living well? It's because she was dead broke.
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#41
What did the man say when his landlord told him that he'd come to talk to him about his high heating bill? The man told him, "Sure, my door's always open."
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#42
How can you become rich by eating? You should eat fortune cookies.
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#43
How much money did the skunk have? It only had one scent.
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#44
Where will you always find money? In a dictionary.
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#45
What was the football coach yelling to the vending machine that ate his money? He was saying "Give me my quarterback".
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#46
Why shouldn't you ask for money from the leprechauns? It's because they can never help. They are always a little short.
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#47
Why did the one student swallow all her pennies? It's because the teacher told her that she needed more cents.
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Suzanne Haigh Suzanne Haigh Community Member Follow
In dum jokes they always make the person female, always.
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#48
What would a stockbroker say to another stockbroker when they wanted the other person to stop talking? They'd probably say, "Put a stock in it".
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#49
What would you call a man that had a head full of change? He'd probably be called Headquarters.
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#50
What would you call it if you invested a huge amount of money into a corn farm? You could call it a major stalk investment.
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#51
Why wasn't the criminal able to steal all the money alone? Because she was banking on her friends to help her.
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#52
What kind of car does a sushi chef who makes a huge amount of money drive? A Rolls-Rice.
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#53
Why can't the dog lawyers make much money? It's because they are all pro-bone-O.
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#54
Why don't the bees ever want to spend any money? It's because they all are stingy.
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#55
What would you call it if a bunch of crows started gathering money? It'd be called Crowdfunding.
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#56
What did the flutist do when she found out that she was not making as much money as the cellist was making? She asked the cellist what her bass salary was.
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#57
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone's favorite season? Fall.
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#58
The stock market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.
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The Cute Cat The Cute Cat Community Member Follow
Exactly..
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#59
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume, she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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The Cute Cat The Cute Cat Community Member Follow
She will not get candy, but sure will terror the neighborhood
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#60
You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.
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#61
How can you be sure you have counterfeit money? If it’s a three-dollar bill, you can be sure.
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#62
Is everything expensive or I'm just broke all the time?
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#63
There's nothing I've learned from being a parent that I couldn't just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
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#64
What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire? A very witch person.
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#65
Why is money called dough? Because we all knead it.
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#66
I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream, then they follow that for 6-8 more weeks.
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#67
Up until I bought this bag of chips I thought the air was free.
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#68
What did the duck say after he went shopping? Put it on my bill!
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#69
Personal financing is very… INTERESTing.
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#70
Why did the student eat his dollar bill? His mother told him it was for lunch.
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#71
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. An old man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over.
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#72
What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank? This is a stand-up.
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#73
The boy that used to bully me at school is still taking my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
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#74
I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "One day, this could be you." I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.
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#75
"My dad is so cheap that when he dies, he’s going to walk toward the light and turn it off." — Comedian Matin Atrushi
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#76
If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract—teach him to deduct.
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#77
"Acquaintance - a person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to." – Ambrose Bierce
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#78
"Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be." – Rita Rudner
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#79
"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." – Spike Milligan
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#80
"Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need." – Will Rogers
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#81
"There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can." – Mark Twain
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#82
Where should I invest my money? Put it on booze. Where else do you get forty percent?
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#83
An investor to his advisor: Is really all my money gone? No, of course not. It’s just with somebody else!
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#84
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
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#85
Why didn't the man report it to the police when his credit card got stolen? Because the kind thief was spending less than the man.
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#86
How did the dinosaur pay his bill at the restaurant? With Tyrannosaurus checks!
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#87
What would you call it if you crossed a millionaire with a sorceress? Ms. Richie Witch.
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#88
What would you call it if you lend some money to a bison? I'd call it Buff-a-loan.
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#89
Why didn’t the cows have any money? It's because the farmers usually milk them dry.
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#90
What's the similarity between a dollar and the moon? It's that both of them have 4 quarters.
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#91
What comes with a tail and a head but it's not an animal? It's a penny.
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#92
In England, what would you be called if you had to pay money to live inside a toilet? You'd probably be called a loo tenant.
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#93
Why did the man get caught just for accidentally dropping some money inside his washing machine? Probably because the police thought that he was laundering money.
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#94
What would you say if you became exhausted filling forms and calculating the amount of money you had to pay to your country? It had been a taxing day.
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#95
How do you make money in a dog exercising business? It should be a walk in the park.
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#96
Why should you invest all your money in yeast? Because it has the ability to make your dough rise.
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#97
How much money do professional ice skaters usually make in a year? They make eight figures but they, unfortunately, can't access that because all their accounts are frozen.
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#98
I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn't bother to report it because the thief spends less than me.
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#99
If time is money are ATM's time machines?
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#100
Having teenagers is just paying for a bunch of dates that you don't get to go on.
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#101
I am going to qualify for free shipping no matter how much it costs.
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#102
I am currently boycotting the companies that sell items I can't afford.
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#103
I remember being in so much debt that I couldn't afford my electricity bills, it was a dark time.
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#104
Why did the robber take a bath before he stole from the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
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#105
What has a hundred heads and a hundred tails? One hundred pennies.
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#106
Why did the student swallow all his pennies? The teacher said he needed more sense.
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#107
It’s true that money can’t buy you true love. It does, however, put you in a good position to bargain.
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The Cute Cat The Cute Cat Community Member Follow
I will steal this joke..
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#108
What coin doubles in value when half is deducted? A half dollar.
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#109
I’ve never understood the concept of the gift certificate, because for the same 50 bucks, my friend could’ve gotten me 50 bucks.
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#110
"People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." – Doug Larson
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#111
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? ... No Pockets." – Jerry Seinfeld
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#112
"Wealth is not without its advantages, and the case to the contrary, although it has often been made, has never proved widely persuasive." – J. K. Galbraith
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#113
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." – Groucho Marx
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#114
“Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort.” – Helen Gurley Brown
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#115
“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.” – Woody Allen
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#116
What would a duck say to the cashier after he was done shopping? He'd probably say, "Put it all on my bill".
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#117
College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back.
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#118
How is the moon like a dollar? They both have four quarters.
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#119
Why did the little boy eat his cash? Because it was his dinner money!
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#120
Why is dough another word for money? Because everyone kneads it.
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